Tuesday, January 31, 2006
SOTU Liveblogging ...
A wingnut diary … (all times PDT)
6:15: YAAAAAAY!!!!! PRESIDENT BUSH IS IN DA HOUSE!!!!! (or is it the senate, I can never remember … talk to me Scarborough, dammit!) Anyway, this SOTU will be MASTERFUL. Bush. Is. Hot. Oh and silly Cindy Sheehan got arrested! Can Michael Moore have a heart attack, please please please? It’d be like hitting the trifecta!
6:16: Carol Scott King? Did she do that cover of James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend”????
6:16: “Isolationism is broad and inviting” … just like Pat Buchanan’s poopchute, the traitor!
6:17: “The advance of freedom is the greatest story of our time” … YAAAAY! SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID IT!!!!!! I wish he said “the advance of freedom PLUS the Bible” though … oh, well nobody’s perfect … except you JESUS!
6:18: Burma? Are the Burmanese in the Axis of Evil now? Fucking Islamofascists.
6:19: “Some men rage and fight against freedom” … I’m looking at you, Howard Dean.
6:20: “There is no peace in retreat and there is no honor in retreat” … NO THERE ISN’T! ANY SOLDIER WHO EVER RETREATS SHOULD BE HUNG.
6:21: “We will never surrender to evil” … BY GRAPTHAR’S HAMMER WE WILL NOT!
6:21: Kerry sat down so fast on the Grapthar’s Hammer line, it looked like a Swiss ski lift chair just hit him in the ass! And did he just whisper something snide to Hitlery? Oh, you KNOW he did! I bet he was all, “I got a purple heart for a bandaid wound in Vietnam and I hate the real man up there delivering the State of the Union Address …”
6:22: Nice how the camera panned over to the Iraqis or Afghanistanians or whatever looking all "thank you for saving us" when the Pres had a line about Iraq or something. Good work, MSM! For once, you fucktards.
6:22: Was that John Candy in the upper deck above third base on the Iraqi camera pan?
6:24: Am I the only one who’s worried that all the standing O’s may be a little rough on Cheney’s ticker?
6:25: Dems did NOT standing O on “difference between good advice and defeatism” line. Telling.
6:26: Military reps not applauding loud enough on “we must stand behind our military” line … infiltration of our forces by a fifth column?!? Note to self: E-mail Coulter on this …
6:28: Great great GREAT line from the dead guy letter: “NEVER FALTER!” … could it be the new “LET’S ROLL!” ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
6:29: What’s with the scar on that young lady’s chin? Is she a Dem or GOP? I need to know if it speaks of deceit or courage, dammit!
6:30: “Defeat the dark vision of hatred and fear” … take that Hamas! And you too Al Franken!
6:31: “Elections are vital, but only the beginning” … so right. SO RIGHT. Next, they’ll need electronic voting machines … some on my side of the aisle will say we shouldn’t pay for that … but BELIEVE ME, it’ll be worth it …
6:32: Has Denny Hastert lost weight? He looks POSITIVELY SCRUMPTIOUS!!!!! EEEEEEE!!!!!
6:33: Iranian nukes? Those fuckers! I bet they were totally in cahoots with Saddam … wonder how the Libs will react when we find out Saddam gave his nukes to Iran?
6:35: Mmmmm. Groan. Okay, he’s losing me on the AIDS stuff … not making me feel so warm and fuzzy now …
6:37: You know he could have tied in the AIDS-ridden foreigners thing with the stricter borders stuff … just a thought for the next SOTU …
6:37: YAAAAAAY!!!!! PATRIOT ACT!!!!!!!! WOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!
6:38: Oh. My. God. DEMS ARE TOTALLY ANTI-PATRIOTIC!!!!! (Like we didn’t already know … snark)
6:39: “It is said … we failed to connect the dots” on 9-11 … SAID BY WHO? NAME NAMES, DAMMIT! You know, for all his greatness, Bush is sometimes too soft on exposing the traitors within …
6:40: “… because we will not sit back and wait to be hit again” … aaaannnd ... camera pan to Dems … GODDAMIT! No applause. Fucking crickets chirping. People, let me make it plain – THE DEMS WANT AL-QAEDA TO HIT US. HILLARY CLINTON WANTS AL-QAEDA TO HIT US!!!!! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GKKKKSPRRRTTTT CKAKSLSDJF&*^*ASDF6a
6:41: Technical issues solved. Short story: pulled the keyboard off the kids’ iMac …
6:45: “Our economy is healthy” … darn tootin’!
6:45: “Our economic performance is the envy of the world” … careful, Dubya, you’ll give the “root causers” some more ammo … hehehehe pwn101
6:46: SPECTER HATES GROWTH. RINO ALERT, BIG TIME.
6:46: Condi scratches upper lip in firm approval of growth. The contrast with Specter couldn’t be more clear.
6:47: Dems HATE taxpayers! Bush loves Americans. Americans love Bush loving taxpayers and Americans. My guess? That's PRECISELY how this will play in Peoria.
6:49: MCCAIN IS SHIT-FLINGING INSANE. NOT FIT TO BE PRESIDENT. HIDING ILLEGITIMATE EARMARKS?
6:50: “…two of my Dad’s favorite people – me, and President Clinton” … then camera cuts to Hitlery, frowning. Okay, I don’t get it … Bush Sr. raped by Clinton and Hitlery knows? Anybody get a diff. read on that?
6:51: Dems not reading applause cards? Why the standing O on a “concerned grimace” line about evils of SS? Somebody fire the cue card guy, like yesterday.
6:51: “One out of five jobs related to Global Trade” … anybody got Global Trade in their portfolio? Is it even listed? Sounds like a labor shitstorm waiting to happen with all those employees, though …
6:51: Who let Uncle Fester in the roo … oh, it’s Chertoff. Creepy guy. Good creepy, though.
6:52: Two words: TORT REFORM. I think I just came in my pants.
6:52: “… clean, safe energy” … yada, yada. I smell pandering.
6:53: Isn’t that s-p-e-e-cial? Dems can give a standing O to fucking “switch grass” but they boo our troops?
6:56: Okay, guess I’m with him this American Competitiveness Initiative thing … math, science, yeah, okay. But dammit … TEACH THE CONTROVERSY.
6:57: Hey, nanotechnology! Take a bow, Instapundit. YOU made that happen.
6:57: More on math and science. No problemo. Just one thing … THE CONTROVERSY. Teach it.
6:58: This edumacation crapola sounding more than a little statist to anybody else out there?
6:59: “Our greatness is not measured by our power or our luxuries, but by how we treat each other” … okay, fine ... but also it's by our power and our luxuries.
7:02: ALITO NOT STANDING FOR THE "PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR ALITO" LINE?!? SELF-HATING JUSTICE? Pleeeeeeeeease not another Souter.
7:02: Blah blah blah Sandra Day O’Conner. Don’t let the gavel hit you on the ass on your way out, baby killer.
7:03: DEMS WANT TO PUT OUR CREATOR’S GIFT UP FOR SALE?!?!?!? Hmmmph. Expect Kerry and Hitlery to legislate eBay auctions if they ever get in power … please Jesus don’t let that happen …
7:04: Can I just say? LAURA LOOKS STUNNING? Who does her hair?
7:04: Whoever it is, it ain’t the butcher who bouffanted that Landreau tart … snark rotflmao pwned1010101
7:04: Is that Dule Hill from the West Wing next to Laura? And they say Dubya doesn’t reach across the aisle … another Donk myth busted!
7:05: Half of all Americans with HIV are African-American? Or was it half of all African-Americans have HIV? Whatever … is the Bill Bennett option on the table yet?
7:06: Okay, did I miss the Pres make a Harry Belafonte reference? Because they just cut to Barack Obama …
7:06: 51 MINUTES. "THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS AMERICA." No, thank YOU, Mr. Sexy!
7:07: Clinton couldn’t ask you to pass him the Triple Quarter Pounder in under 51 minutes.< / worst decade ever >
7:07: The speech was stunning. A true bipartisan success. Resolute, steely eyed and pregnant in all the right places. Total, total uniter.
7:08: Okay, this is just so cute. Everybody totally wants to shake our President’s hand … they totally think some of the Dubya magic might rub off … THINK AGAIN DEMS! Oh. My. God. Now he’s totally signing autographs. HE IS SUCH THE ROCKSTAR!!! Can you imagine what it would be like to be one of the twins? Like, if it was a rainy day? I would TOTALLY lie at his feet in front of the fireplace and look up at him ALL DAY and make him read books to me.
7:09: I LOVE OUR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Arianna Huffington has Tim Russert back in her sights. Which is fine. But let's not forget that Huffington was once objectively pro-turning-Mary-and-Joseph-out-of-the-manger way back when things got personal between Huffington and Russert's wife Maureen Orth.
Just saying: Grain of salt, and all.
Hang Them by the Neck Until They Are Straight, Straight, Straight
Okay, perhaps that's a bit unfair to Dean "Dead, Dead, Dead" Esmay, who now has been caught blindsided by the Bush Administration's latest anti-gay publicity stunt:
Odd US Vote at UN
The White House is getting pretty strongly anti-gay, isn't it?
"Getting?" I mean, nice to see that Dean at least seems to recognize that there's something ugly about the U.S. going along with "an Iranian initiative to deny United Nations consultative status to organizations working to protect the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people."
As Scott Long, director of the LGBT rights program at Human Rights Watch said: "It is astonishing that the Bush administration would align itself with Sudan, China, Iran and Zimbabwe in a coalition of the homophobic."
Astonishing, yes, but hardly surprising, as Dean seems to think, for a White House that shamelessly exploited homophobia to get out the evangelical vote in the 2004 presidential election.
Meanwhile, in comments on the Esmay post, we get nuggets like this:
"Human Rights Watch? Aren't they another Amnesty International in their ability to perceive minor faults in the US as being worse than major faults anywhere else (a group that thinks President Bush speaking up for a Marriage Amendment is more heinous than Iran actively stoning gays for even existing)? ...
"... The UN being the world's most important human rights institution? *snicker* More like the United States Army is the most important human rights institution."
We've heard all this before. The wingnuts rely on reports by Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International to buttress their cases against regimes they don't like - i.e. Iraq, Iran, Cuba, et. al. But whatever those organizations have to say about the status of human rights in the U.S. is, of course, biased and motivated by an anti-American agenda. The idea that Amnesty International "thinks President Bush speaking up for a Marriage Amendment is more heinous than Iran actively stoning gays for even existing" is of course preposterous. There is no evidence whatsoever that AI "thinks" that. But simply compiling a human rights report on the U.S. - as AI does for every other country in the world - is suspect in and of itself to the right wing.
Then the commenter offers the wonderfully informed opinion that "the United States Army is the most important human rights institution."
This is the typical wingnut conflation of the effectiveness of U.S. military interventions (regardless of whether they are always justified, no one can deny they are effective) with the broad need for human rights monitoring and action all around the globe. In other words, what the UN-bashers refuse to acknowledge is that while the UN has its problems and limitations, it serves as at least a better-than-nothing agent for protecting human rights in all the many places that the U.S. military is not (nor should be) invading.
Does this commenter think the people of East Timor "snicker" at the idea of the UN? The people of Liberia, Cambodia and Angola? All of these are places where the UN has had an undeniably positive effect on human rights protection. They are also places where the U.S., militarily or otherwise, has not had the resources or political will to do much of anything to change things.
It's always enlightening to hear the same people who demand that U.S. foreign policy be based entirely upon the narrow national interests of the United States, turn around and claim with no apparent sense of cognitive dissonance that the U.S. is somehow the best agent we've got for acting in the interests of every other country.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I said two days ago that I’d tackle the scurrilous attack on Glenn Reynolds by The Poorman in his (its?) mostly fine analysis of the Washington Post's recent star-studded panel on “Interactivity Ethics.” I say mostly fine, because one other thing sorely lacking from The Editors’ coverage was even an attempt at a moronic accusation hurled at Jane Hamsher.
In his statements on the panel, Reynolds himself was far too modest about his accomplishments, which include inventing the weblog, writing the definitive monograph on Hephthalite Hun culture, translating the Phaistos Disk into slashcode and developing a nanovirus that, when injected into the frontal lobe will alert the subject whenever “Lileks has more.” All of this was done, of course, as an afterthought in a few spare moments by a man who has far more important things to occupy his time.
So rather than rebut The Editors’ (Editoria? Editorii?) argument point-by-point, I’ll just let the facts about Glenn Reynolds, the renowned Instapundit, do the talking:
FACT: Glenn Reynolds’ Instapundit blog DOES have comments enabled. It’s just that his comment-ometer flips back to zero when the number of comments on a post reach 1 billion, so you can never see them. The Instapundit hopes to address this problem soon.
FACT: The Instapundit is in the final stages of talks with Dhaka to hire the entire population of Bangladesh to moderate his comments threads. He considers that to be a stop-gap solution and plans to build an army of thread-moderating nanobots for the long term. On the majority of alternate timelines in parallel universes, he already did this three days ago.
FACT: The Instapundit is known to be fearful of ridiculous lawsuits. Wait, did I say “fearful”? I meant “destroyful”.
FACT: Instapundit.com has more Japanese readers than the Yomiuri Shinbun. The Instapundit receives more emails written in Esperanto in one minute than the Rocky Mountain News receives written in English in a year.
FACT: An “Instalanche” is the only man-made object that can be seen from space.
FACT: One time, The Poorman was giving the Instapundit shit. The Instapundit merely posted “Lileks has more” and The Poorman’s head exploded on the spot.
FACT: The Instapundit’s first post ever was “Cerf has more.”
FACT: The Instapundit once linked to another blog so hard that it drilled a “Lileks has more”-shaped hole right through that blog and out the other end, then continued on through to the core of the earth and out through Bruce Lee’s house in China, killing everyone present, and finally the link headed into outer space, drilling holes into everything it meets to this day, including black holes and God. Also, that is the real story of how Bruce Lee died.
FACT: Instapundit.com’s backup server is the Death Star.
FACT: The Instapundit is a quadruple blackbelt in Brazilian HTML. He has won all of his fights by submission.
FACT: The GNP of an Instapundit post is America + China + infinity.
FACT: One day the Instapundit linked to the stock market. Today we know that day as “The Great Depression.”
FACT: One day the Instapundit was bored, so he linked to himself. That day is known by scientists as the “Big Bang.”
FACT: Once, the Instapundit created a mirror site of Instapundit.com, just so he could beat it to death with a steady barrage of “Lileks has more” links. Because nobody gets to fuck with the Instapundit except the Instapundit. Later, he puked a nanovirus on the corpse of the mirror site to get rid of the evidence.
FACT: The Instapundit doesn’t have sweat glands. He outsources sweating to nanobots.
FACT: One day, Instapundit.com got so much site traffic that even the Instapundit was worried. UPDATE I: No, he wasn’t. UPDATE II: You were.
FACT: The Instapundit has determined that the Left Blogosphere is objectively anti-“Lileks has more.” A nanobot army is being deployed as we speak.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
What Tweety Said
Just to clarify what I said here (if anybody really cares), regarding the meaning of Chris Matthews et. al.'s equating of Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape to "liberal talking points" and Matthews' positing that bin Laden "sounds like Michael Moore."
I'm going to break the fourth wall here because this really, really pisses me off. Not just the slander of it, but the fundamental lack of logic.
Look, to conclude what Matthews and others have concluded about this tape echoing positions held by liberals (or Democrats or whatever), you have to make a giant, and really dumb leap in logic. You essentially have to say that if Osama bin Laden ever gives his approval of some thing, than that thing is inherently evil. So if bin Laden says he approves of what a majority of Americans believe - that us being in Iraq is a stupid, counterproductive situation - well, clearly the majority of Americans are on the side of an evil terrorist. (Only, of course, we Kewl Kids aren't SAYING that ... but lots of dumb hicks in "flyover country" might THINK that. Hey, we're looking out for ya, Libs, by pointing out what morons are going to be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow after they've listened to us slander you tonight ...)
How crazy is it that we are even forced to argue that this is a ridiculous formula? Do we have to state for the record that if bin Laden says rape is wrong, it does not magically become right?
That if bin Laden says, "The atomic number of gold is 79" ... we probably wouldn't want to start rounding up the high school chemistry teachers?
How about, just for funsies, we pretend this thing called The Enlightenment happened?
Nor does Matthews get a pass because, unlike this horrible person, he merely says bin Laden "sounds like" Michael Moore, rather than having his talking points "written by the American left." Hey Tweety, Michael Moore sounds like Osama bin Laden how? Pitch and timbre of voice? Frequent use of simple, aphoristic statements based in Wahhabi philosphy? Or perhaps it's the Gulf accent when speaking Arabic? Maybe how Moore punctuates every other sentence with "God is great"?
Chris Matthews really needs to apologize. And all the other talking heads need to stop this crap. It's not funny, it's not "provocative," it's not "blunt" ... it's utter, partisan bullshit that is divisive in such a crude way that it would not be a particularly huge leap to guess that it's playing right into bin Laden's hands.
Because, golly, who in the world could possibly benefit from Americans sniping at and mistrusting each other more and more with every passing news cycle? I mean, other than Karl Rove that is ...
And, gee, if we're going to start connecting conspiracy dots that aren't there, how about we talk about how convenient it is for the White House that the mortal enemy of America supposedly "sounds like" a Bush critic?
In other news, The Poorman has an excellent take on the WaPo comments forum. I will (fourth wall back up) be explaining tomorrow why The Editors are so very wrong to pick on Glenn Reynolds.
Blogger Down! Pt. III
Pt. I is here.
Pt. II is here.
(Click image to enlarge.)
Tune in next week for Part IV of 'BLOGGER DOWN!'
T-Russ in da Hizzle!
ParrotLine has learned that NBC's Meet the Press host Tim Russert has been selected to host the 2006 Vibe Awards, to be held in November at Barack Obama's house.
Speaking in an exclusive interview with this blog, Russert described his selection as "a great honor," and said that at the event, he planned to quiz the rapper Kanye West about assassinated civil rights leader Martin Luther King's inner thoughts during the "I Have a Dream" speech.
"It's something I've always been curious about," Russert said. "Finally, I'll have a chance to talk to somebody who clearly has the answers."
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
New Blogging Man Logo ...
... has been submitted to the Reno, Nev. event's organizers. Here 'tis:
Brevity Being the Soul of Wit ...
For those in a hurry, allow me to sum up my colleague William G. Henders' point made below in his brilliant but somewhat dense fashion ...
SHORTER WINGNUTOSPHERE: If Osama bin Laden were to say, "J-Lo has a great ass!" ... we would have to conclude that J-Lo's ass is pro-terrorist.
Because ... y'see ... WE DON'T WANT THE SMOKING GUN TO BE J-LO'S ASS!!!!!!!!
Leftists Say the Darndest Things
This quote from one Catherine Quinn, a health activist from Chicago at the World Social Forum in Caracas, Venezuela ...
"It's nice to see the energy that's going here."
... is telling.
I'm just not sure of what, yet. But it's sure to be bad. Maybe Michelle can elaborate?
READERS: A little help?
A Challenge to Digby
I have found the Leftist blogger Digby to be an unrepresentatively decent correspondent. Some samples of our past exchanges may be found here and here. I have forwarded him the following, to which I await his sure-to-be feeble reply:
It is true that my many attempts to instruct Leftists such as yourself have, to my every perception, fallen on deaf ears. And indeed, grown tiresome to pursue.
However, we on the Right are nothing if not charitable. We still see a flickering flame of sense in you and your ilk. A flame that, with a little self-imposed humility and silent contemplation of the correct, Conservative positions on your part, may someday in the far-off future become a full blaze. Then, and only then, should you be allowed back into the realm of adult political discourse.
Thus, against my better judgment, I shall make another attempt to show you the error of your ways, little though the reward may have been for all my past efforts at same. I urge you to pay heed, for growing weary of the parlor game, I fear this may be my last attempt to aid you in your thinking.
As has been ably chronicled by many in Conservative circles, the recent audio tape from Osama bin Laden features talking points that essentially echo the words of the Hate America Left. As you know, we on the Right are diligent and close readers of political language. After an amazingly steadfast effort to overcome Mainstream Media bias and make our points heard, now even Liberals such as Chris Matthews cannot avoid the obvious: That Michael Moore, Howard Dean, John Kerry et. al. are objectively allies of Osama bin Laden against America.
Here is the full text of bin Laden’s latest bromide … in which speech the Terror Master panders to his Liberal base with such red meat as this:
“… your polls … show an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq …”
“… I say that results of polls please those who are sensible, and Bush's opposition to them is a mistake. …”
“There is no shame in this solution [a truce with al Qaeda], which prevents the wasting of billions of dollars that have gone to those with influence and merchants of war in America who have supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars - which lets us understand the insistence by Bush and his gang to carry on with war.”
But these are only the obvious indicators of who bin Laden’s allies in this country truly are. Indictment enough, I should say, of the Fifth Column of deadly, camouflaged vipers who (to quote the Bard in Richard II): “Live like venom where no venom dwells.”
As I said earlier, others have done the yeoman’s work of exposing this serpent’s nest. However, I would like to delve deeper into the alliance between bin Laden and the traitors in our midst.
It must be said that whenever bin Laden states a position on an issue, we would be terribly irresponsible if we did not look to see who else in the world holds a similar position on that issue. Then, when we discover such a person or group of persons, we can reasonably conclude that he (or she or they) and bin Laden are, in fact, allies seeking the total destruction of our nation and its values.
What are we to make, then, of some other, less publicized statements in last week’s bin Laden tape? Statements such as this:
“Only metal breaks metal, and our situation, thank God, is only getting better and better, while your situation is the opposite of that.”
“A swimmer in the ocean does not fear the rain.”
Let me be blunt. To claim - despite the existence of tempered ceramics and other modern synthetics - that, “Only metal breaks metal,” and to further evoke watery images of swimmers, oceans and rain, is to reveal oneself as fundamentally poetic in outlook. I must stress that this is not some small detail that we can overlook when assessing bin Laden’s worldview, and those amongst us (i.e. you and your readers) who share it.
The only question is what this insight might yield in the War on Terror. One suggestion, just off the top of my head, is that the government immediately seize library and bookseller databases to look for patterns in purchases of poetic works.
I submit that, given that such a search would surely produce multiple concrete leads on terrorist sympathizers, anybody who opposes such measures simply cannot be trusted with our national security.
(Per the first quotation, we might also look into those with a vested interest in furthering the illusion of metal’s hardness; to wit: the socialist UMWA.)
Later in the audio tape, we find an even more vexing statement from bin Laden:
“The mujahideen, thank God, are increasing in number and strength - so much so that reports point to the ultimate failure and defeat of the unlucky quartet of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz.” (My emphasis.)
In this citation, bin Laden introduces a 'quartet' – in fact, 'an unlucky quartet' – which is to say, 'a set comprising four things'. Nothing particularly worrisome there. But then he goes on to list precisely four things as belonging to the 'quartet': To wit, the four names, “Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz.”
Non-rhetoricians are to be excused if they do not follow what bin Laden is saying here. But by distilling the language, we can make it plain the monstrous notion he is trying to slip past us. Simply, by introducing a 'set of four things' and then scrupulously filling that set with four actual things, bin Laden, pared down to his essentials, is proposing that 4 = 4!
And how does he come to prove this conclusion? He doesn’t! He simply assumes that in all cases, regardless of omnipotent metaphysical intervention, '4' will equal '4' forever and ever and into the long night of eternity.
Let me be clear: '4 = 4' is a handy conceit, of practical use in many circumstances. But it does not tell the whole story, or even much of the story at all. In its hubris it assumes a static, logical reality … one whose governing laws cannot be altered – ever! – by even the All-Powerful Maker so beloved by millions of faith … a Creator whose existence, to carry the argument to its conclusion, bin Laden must finally deny.
Where have we seen this denial of God before, Digby? Who, if we conclude that bin Laden has placed 'reality' on a pedestal above God, are his colleagues in such perfidy?
Or, to be more pointed, perhaps I should ask why you and your colleagues on the Left have seen fit to advertise yourselves as “members of the reality-based community”?!?
And answering that, I further inquire: Why should it come as a surprise that this “reality-based community” has sought to thwart our President’s efforts to defeat terrorism at every turn?
The American voter has had the onions peeled back from his eyes on this matter. I urge you, while there is still time, to consider how you might do likewise.
Cordially yours, &cetera,
William G. Henders
Monday, January 23, 2006
O'Reilly: Damn Those Billionaire Media Manipulators!
Eschewing my customary 7pm wank to Section III, Article 5, Paragraph 7 of Ludwig Von Mises' The Anti-Capitalist Mentality, I chanced upon Monday evening's edition of "The O'Reilly Factor" on Fox.
Imagine my pleasure at seeing host Bill O'Reilly utterly defeat the ineffectual* Juan Williams on the topic of "Organized Leftist Media Assaults on Jack Abramoff's Daughter that are Funded by Yacht-Owning Billionaire Liberal Obscurantists."
"The Left is much worse than the Right at vicious, organized media attacks," said O'Reilly. (Although I am not sure if those were his exact words, because his somewhat mottled and bleary complexion proved a visual distraction to this stenographer. He also claimed to have done a "study" of liberal websites that proved they were "far worse" than conservative sites. That may have been a slip of the tongue, however. I do not believe a man of O'Reilly's caliber would ever stoop to something as unrigorous as science.)
Needless to say, I believe O'Reilly to be unimpeachably correct.
*This is not parody, by the way.
UPDATE: Due to an editing error, the incorrect billionaire media manipulator was pictured with this post. Here is the correct picture:
UPDATE IV: Wes Pruden has more.
Blogger Down! Pt. II
Part I is here.
(Click image below to enlarge)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Introducing: The Cannon-Fodder Crew!
Now, everybody knows all about the many dangerous missions undertaken by our selfless Keyboard Kommandos to protect all Americans in the Global War on Terror. On a virtual battlefield of asymetric ideological warfare, these true patriots brave vicious attacks from evil, cunning enemies both domestic and foreign, driven only be their steely resolve to preserve our freedoms, no matter the price to themselves.
Truly, we are not fit to wash the feet of these peerless men and women.
But did you know that there are unsung heroes in the War on Terror who, despite the relative insignificance of their contributions compared to that of the Fighting 101st Keyboard Kommandos, do their small bit to realize the goals of the bold battleplan set forth by their betters in the blogosphere?
They are not the Titans of this particular war. Rather, they are its foot soldiers, the little people who take on the rather less frightening risks to life and limb on the actual battlefields of our grand national mission.
It is true, these men and women may not have the intellectual mettle to take their place on the crucial Ideology Front in this existential global confrontation with evil. Nevertheless, their victories, small as they are individually, do add up collectively to become an important, if minor, phase of our martial efforts.
We at ParrotLine recognize these footnotes to the War on Terror. We believe their role in providing logistical support to the Battlin' Blogosphere merits some attention. And now we present their exploits in comic form.
So get ready for the ongoing adventures of the Cannon-Fodder Crew!
(Click on image to enlarge)
Tune in next week for Part II of 'BLOGGER DOWN!'
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Cow Talk ...
OBJECTIVISM: You have two cows that nobody ever milks, in a barn that nobody ever mucks out because that's shit work and you forgot to bring people willing to do that sort of thing to Galt's Gulch. So the cows die in their own filth of burst udders. Then it turns into the Donner Party and it all comes down to Pamela battling John Galt for Dagny Taggart's shinbone.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Millions of Women Have Been Indoctrinated to Not Fuck Me
By Dirk Wade
Finally, somebody said it. The so-called "modern" woman is a frigid ice-bitch who hates men. Hat tip to the ol' Perfesser for having the cojones to open up this can of worms, big time. Preach it, brother!
I blame the schools. More and more women are going there every day, getting their heads mindfucked by books. They come out of these schools with an agenda.
An agenda to not fuck me.
Look, I probably jack off six, seven times a day. I've got plenty to offer a woman. DSL connection, WarCraft III with all the latest patches, carpeting, box spring mattress, you name it. Yeah, it's my mom's basement, but we're talking separate entrance here.
But every time I even approach a woman, she looks at me like I've got a fucking leaky boil on the end of my nose. Even when I don't have one. The other day, I'm down at my local and in comes this very attractive lady, brunette. Great tits. Jew broad, I think. In hindsight, the nose ring should have set off alarm bells.
So anyway, she sits down next to me and we strike up a conversation about the ballgame that's on the tube. We're making small talk, and next thing you know I'm asking her if she's ever seen the Nick Berg beheading video. She's like, yeah, she saw part of it. So I'm like, really? But have you seen it in Hi-Def? Because if you want to come over to my place ...
Bang! She's all: check, please! And I'm like, what the fuck did I say?
Because you never know what's going to set these bitches off. It could be anything.
I'm seriously thinking about one of those mail-order dinks from Cambodia. But she better be pro-gun and pro-Bush or me and her are gonna tangle.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Kerry Defends Michael Moore!
Matthews could not be reached for comment. John Kerry spent the Vietnam War modelling band-aids. Michael Moore is fat.
Thursday Pirate Blogging!
THIS WEEK: Instructing Young Master Matthews on the finer arts of 'semen'ship!
"Arrr, yer a foine lad, young Tweety, s'truth! We'll make a seadog out o' ye yet! Arrr. Look lively an' listen sharp ... an' auld Dick'll tell ye a secret. A secret what'll serve ye in good stead with t'other men quartered on the sta'board side.
"Now, ye scry yin chip o' wood Dick's fingerin', laddy? I expect ye'll recognize the shape and heft from what's a' dangling a 'twixt yer own two legs. Ears pricked, Tweety me boy, this part's the treasure. As in 'X' marks the spot.
"Ye see lad, grown men such as meself, well, we've our own wee chips o' wood a' danglin' a twixt our legs, just like ye young pips do. Only our'n ain't so wee ... and it takes a bit a coaxin' to get 'em to wood.
"Ye've minded us well, an' here comes the jolly part. Every lesson worth its salt'll be havin' a jolly part. Let auld Dick just unbuckle his straps ... arrr, that's a lad. Now ye young scamp, ye can see what's what, so will ye jes' bend down a piece an' nuzzle yer phiz up against the hairy bits ye'll find doon below. Arrr, that's a boy, Master Matthews. Kiss it where it smells, lad. Kiss it where it smells.
"Aye, ye're a quick study, boy, an' a rare talent, arrr. But ye musn't say a peep about our little secret, d' ye ken? No, not a peep. And lad, if ye must blab, if the Cap'n or s'ummit forces it out o' ye, arrr ... ye're to say the Democrats taught ye the same lesson upon a time, an' done it worse to ye, an' were smellier to boot. Arrr-men."
WE ARe at (ChristMASS] WAR!!
Hey. Don'T preach to teh CHAIR.
But seriouslyy, folks, thats' what THEY want us to BElieve!
Tihs WAR is FAR from "OVer"? This WAR has jsut BEGUN!
In FAct, LEFTIST HATE-CHREISTMASSERS are just laying Low.
Inf act, LIBERSAL'S Anti-YULE LOGgERs ares just "licking their woonds.
In fact, MOOBNAT WAnt to- ERase-BABY-JESUS'ERs are jsut waiting for teh SPRING THAW to launch a NEWS Offfensive in there WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1010
But gyuess what, LIBERALs? We aer on too you. We Are on too you're tricks.
WE do NOT know if yuou will attackk Christmas again in 1 weeek. We do NOT know if you will attack Christmass again in 2 weeks. WEs do not NOT know if you will attack CHIRistmas agaisn in 5 or 11 weeks.
BUT we DO know you WILL Atttack Chrisstmas AGAIN.
Bust we do KNOW we WILL be ready for YOUr attack.
That is why, a PLEA from me to all REEL Ameiricans:. Please do NOt stop saying "MErry Christmas"':, weather it be in teh WORKPLACE or weather it be in the HOMe or in the STREET or waether it be in teh Church or SyNagog or Temple or Home.
This we PLEDGe as REAL AMERiCAN's and as REAL ChRISTIANS::
1]WE wiill say "MERRY CHRISTMAS+ in Feburary.
2~WE Will say 'MERRY CHRISTMAS' in MArch.
3. We will SAY 'MERRY CHRISSMAS: in Apri.l
8^We Will say mmeRRY CHRISTMAS in every MOnth of the YEAR!
FAce it, Sillly LIBERALS, we will FIGHT YOU ON CHRISTMAS. And WE WILL WIN.
For morse on this pressIng PROBLEM, goe HERE₪,
''Leiberals can pray the BABY JESUSE from MY COLD,, DEAd finger's!' - GastroGuy269
GreeTING's and SaluvationS/?
I DO NOt beleive this post will NOT be censored by LEFTIST MSM's/. I DO BElieive this POST will THROW DOWNS some REALITY to LEFTIST MSms,. I Will wait to see witch is wich. That will be for YOU to decide (I REPOTRT).
"Put that in your pipe and smoke it, LIBERALS. No, I dont mean CRACK :-(''} - GastroGuy269
UPDaet: LEFtisT DID NOT censor this POST.
UDPATE 2: LEFTIST"s still 'may' Cendsor this POSt. My eys are on YOU,, LIberal's! Stop looking at my ASS!
UPDte IV: Teaser; My next posT will address 'Teh War on CRhistmas." Stay tuNed.
How This Blog Will Work
The somewhat longer answer: It will work as a group blog featuring the voices of several conservative thinkers, including GastroGuy269, William G. Henders, Dr. George Jefferson Monroe and Steve Garvey.
While I, the AssParrot, have carried the water for our humble team of first-rate intellects in these first few days of ParrotLine, with the rest of the platoon providing invaluable behind-the-scenes logistical support, today I will hand over the lead reins to my colleague GastroGuy269, whose brilliant skill at skewering leftist moonbattery has been compared by no less a personage than his own editor and gastric bypass surgeon Dr. Fäghor Dögfaagge as, "Secnond to NOnE^.'"¹
But first a quick note on Dr. Monroe. While the rest of the co-authors of this blog will post regularly from their own remote locations, unfortunately Dr. Monroe will not be able to do likewise. This, because his consulting duties for the highest authorities in the Pentagon require him to maintain at his estate a digital communications infrastructure of such cutting-edge sophistication that any attempt by him to interface with the relatively Stone Age technology of the Luddites at Blogger.com would, unfortunately, result in a temporal feedback loop causing Andrew Sullivan to bounce between pro- and anti-Bush positions² (and other such paradoxes). Or so the initial data from our test run of the system early last year would indicate.
Fortunately, in the weeks leading to the live launch of ParrotLine, associates of Dr. Monroe were able to successfully inject into my own buttocks region a smart nano-virus developed by Tech Central Station engineers in consultation with Glenn Reynolds. This nano-virus is composed of rapidly decaying elemental half-particles that each have their twin in a sister virus implanted in Dr. Monroe's frontal lobe. Thus, Dr. Monroe need only visualize the words he wishes to post on ParrotLine, and the resulting electrical signals in his frontal lobe are interpreted by his nano-virus to arrange its half particles into the shapes of those words. Instantaneously - and across theoretically any distance of space to the brink of infinity - the formation of words by Dr. Monroe's nano-virus triggers their twins in my buttocks to coalesce into those very same words. This sets off a physical reaction in my own body that causes me to bleed profusely from my rectum. When this happens, I merely need place some butcher paper under my hemorrhaging anus to catch the discharge. At this stage, another set of algorithms kicks in to arrange the discharged half-particles back into the shape of Dr. Monroe's original words, while the weight and liquidity of my own blood accompanying the half-particles soaks into the paper, forming full, grammatical sentences and paragraphs visible to the human eye. Finally, I am able to simply type up the finished version of Dr. Monroe's post that appears on the butcher paper, whereupon I post it on ParrotLine using my ID but indicating in a preface that it is a contribution from Dr. Monroe.
With that lengthy but necessary explanation out of the way, I humbly pass the ParrotLine torch on this fine Thursday morning to GastroGuy269. Take it away, friend!
¹Quote taken from inside dust jacket of "FrEEPER aint FREE: The TusCAny Yeres;'" by GastroGuy269, ReGenrey PubIlcation'S
²For reasons arising from a probability function we don't yet fully understand, any "dumb" object A (Sully-0) will be ejected from the temporal feedback loop at time B (t-b) after roughly 1,300 trips from t-a to t-b and back again. Thus, (t-a↔t-b≈1300).
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Add it to Your Bookmarks. Now.
He one ma-a-a-a-d Mullah fu- Hush yo mouth! But I was talkin' 'bout Dean!
UPDATE: Ledeen has more.
UPDATE II: Charles Johnson warns of the price of appeasement, but points to the rewards we will reap if we face down Iran.
UPDATE III: Jonah Goldberg hastens to note that there is another imminent danger that we ignore at our peril.
UPDATE IV: Our own humble suggestion for dealing with the growing threat.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Still, it is time for bed, and properly so, for we have great deeds to pursue on the morrow, vile enemies to slay, and Washington Journal Support-the-President line redial buttons to push.
Traitor, Defeatist, Moonbat and Michael Moore each have different methods for learning how to fucking deal with it in Dr. John Yoo's new book.
So goodbye and goodnight; but before we leave you to study today's wisdom, here is a final little tit-bit for your troubles, an exclusive look at a triumphant new tome by our dear friend and legal advisor, Dr. John C. Yoo.
Dr. Yoo informs ParrotLine that the inspiration for this singularly unique book, so profound in its simplicity, came to him during the nadir of the Carter "presidency." Despairing over the Carterian drift in Executive Branch power, Dr. Yoo sought to soothe his fears by concocting a tale for his own amusement of two mice and two "terroristpeople" (as he delightfully terms them) confronted by a future, strong-willed and moral clarity-fied President. In the course of the story, the new President extraordinarily renders Dr. Yoo's fictional quartet to a maze-like compound in Uzbekistan, whereupon hilarity and the final defeat of evil ensue.
Years later, when this in fact happened, Yoo's friend and concubine Michelle Malkin suggested that he publish the story. And though we can't give away the rest of plot, we can predict that "Who Moved My Civil Liberties" will outsell the Bible, and indeed replace the Bible as the New Bible, at which point it will become known as simply "The Bible."
But pre-paid copies are going fast. Vice President Dick Cheney has already back-ordered one for every United States citizen in anticipation of a major corporate restructuring of the country.
So get yours today.
The Emperor Hath Clothes
The Emperor Hath Clothes
Being a Seasonal Ode to Power from Our Meager Estate
In October, when the First Veins of Crimson appear 'pon the leaves here at inconsequential Valhalla, our Attentions turn to preparing the Cellars for Game and Preserves, and knitting precious wee Frost Blankets for the Strange Fruit saplings, and fattening the Servants’ Buttocks for the Harvest Rape Festival.
Lo! So, too, do our Thoughts dwell ’pon George W. Bush, and the Bounty that erupts from his Presidential horn!
In January, when the Fierce North Wind buffets our Humble manor house, we take Grim Solace in our reserves of Port, Welsh Rarebit and Internet porn.
Lo! So, too, do our Thanks go towards Our Leader’s warm Sanctuary of Executive Grace, so Moistened as to allow Entry to all who suffer the Slings and Arrows in this Winter of our Treasonous Discontent!
In April, when the first blades of Grass poke through at our Modest three-field polo facility, our Prayers are offered to the Heavens, and to God, and to His Only Son, and to the Invisible Hand for Which It Stands.
Lo! So, too, do our Supplications sing for the very Wise Wisdom of our Commander-in-Chief, in all his Wisdomly Wiseness!
In July, when the poop is in the glen at the Modest 10,000-acre Mote we call “Home”, we regurgitate our afternoon repast of Quail Feather Soufflé in a Heroin Sauce for the Sake of the Children.
Lo! So, too, is our Vomit aimed for the Succor of our beleaguered Captain, alone in his Phalanx of Treasury Agents, supplicants, well-wishers and assorted Heads-of-State!
And Lo! So, too, we Pledge: Sing this Song and Say this Saying-thing we shall, each Season anew, lest the Sun should topple from its Mountain Fastness, and the Sky from its Batlike Perch, lest the Stars themselves should sunder into a Billion Gaseous Bodies dispersed across the Celestial Night, and the Seasons thus Laid Low should cease!
A New Era
Our All-Star lineup features yours truly, the AssParrot, the estimable William G. Henders, first baseman and raconteur Steve Garvey, the august and venerable Dr. George Jefferson Monroe, the always delightful GastroGuy269 and many more guests, as well as the occasionally plagiarized.
Expect great things from the above, your Humble Interlocutors, truly a New League of American Exceptionalists!