Thursday, April 13, 2006

 

Hey, kidz! Let's put on a show!


Okay, here are some song lyrics my cousin and I cooked up a while ago. Unfortunately, he's in Hawaii and he's the musician, so it's hard to work on them together. But if anybody out there is a musician in the Bay Area who likes the lyrics (the melodies I'd have to hum to you), and wants to work on the music and make them into real songs, give me a shout at dpoeter-at-earthlink-dot-net ...

The idea behind the songs is to create a Toby Keith-like character, who would take the Internets by storm with his no-nonsense patriotic country jamz. Here are a few of the songs:

Heapin' Helpin' of America

Woke up this mornin' with a turrible hunger deep inside
Turned on the stove, brewed up a cuppa joe
But it didn't soothe muh soul
That caffeine simply didn't take
It was a deeper sort of thirst I had to slake

So I went on down to Mainstreet ... Heartland, U.S.A.
Ordered up some grits and a piece o' key lime pie
But it didn't satisfy
Not just any vittles will
When it's a patriotic belly you've gotta fill
Oh, when it's a patriotic belly you've gotta fill

And as I sat there at the counter
Well it hit me like a punch
I was hungry for muh country ... not for lunch
Oh, I was hungry for muh country ... not for lunch

So gimme another heapin' helpin' of America
Pass around them freedom fries, would ya son
Make my breakfast, lunch and supper
Red, white and blue forever
Stick a fork in liberty, she's done

Oh, gimme another heapin' helpin' of America
Pass around them freedom fries, would ya son
Make my breakfast, lunch and supper
Red, white and blue forever
Stick a fork in liberty, she's done


So I went on down to Mainstreet ... Heartland, U.S.A.
Ordered up some grits and a piece o' key lime pie
But it didn't satisfy
Not just any vittles will
When it's a patriotic belly you've gotta fill
Oh, when it's a patriotic belly you've gotta fill

And as I sat there at the counter
Well it hit me like a punch
I was hungry for muh country ... not for lunch
Oh, I was hungry for muh country ... not for lunch

So gimme another heapin' helpin' of America
Pass around them freedom fries, would ya son
Make my breakfast, lunch and supper
Red, white and blue forever
Stick a fork in liberty, she's done

Oh, gimme another heapin' helpin' of America

Pass around them freedom fries, would ya son
Make my breakfast, lunch and supper
Red, white and blue forever
Stick a fork in liberty, she's done

----------

Freedom Ain't Free

Freedom ain't free

It's two bucks, seventy-three
Down at the pump
And justice ain't just
Yer own pickup truck
And a good job at the dump
Liber-tee don't grow on no tree
And the sweetest damn place in the world to be
Is your cunt ...
Mm-mm-mm-mm
Your country

It took a real man to demand
Manifest Destiny
Sweeping cross the Plains
Kickin' ass, takin' names
For dee-mock-ra-cy
Libert-tee, she don't grow on no tree
And the sweetest damn place in the world to be
Is your cunt ...
Mm-mm-mm-mm
Your country


----------

Call Me Bill's Daddy

When Billy was born, we knew he wadn't quite right
Had six fingers on his left hand, six toes on his right
Footin' the bill at the hos-pill nearly drove us broke
But if we gave a sound to puttin' him down, well we ain't that kinda folk

Chorus
I love my gay, crippled, retard son
Even if there ain't a place fer him in Heaven up above
I'd surely be there with a hug and a pat on the back
The very day he proves to me he's got his life on track

Bill grew queerer by the day, to our distress
When he wadn't fallin' down the stairs, he was puttin' on a dress
He couldn't cipher worth a damn
But then how many of us can?
Not too many in this clan, I must confess
Not too many in this clan, I must confess

We did everything we could to help young Bill
Even though the preacher told us he was headed straight to Hell
We doused him in that Holy Water
Like some papist i-do-later
But all he did was spit it up like swill
Oh, all he did was spit it up like swill

But you know something folks? You gotta hate the sin and shame the sinner. And that's why ...

Chorus
I love my gay, crippled, retard son
Even if there ain't a place fer him in Heaven up above
I'd surely be there with a hug and a pat on the back
The very day he proves to me he's got his life on track


I'm a' love my gay, crippled, retard son
Even if there ain't a place fer him in Heaven up above
I'd surely be there with a hug and a pat on the back
The very day he proves to me he's got his life on track

I love my gay, crippled, retard son
Even if there ain't a place fer him in Heaven up above
Jesus may a' turned his back on him
But I cain't do that to my kin
Call me a fool, call it a sin, call me Bill's Dad
Call me a fool, call it a sin, call me Bill's Dad
Call me a fool, call it a sin, call me Bill's Dad-dddddyyyy!

----------

Learn 'Em a Thinger Three

Do you remember the day when ever-thang changed?
Since them towers fell, well it ain't been the same
But we larn't us something else on that day
There's folks out there hate the American way
They came over here a' lookin' fer a fight
I'll tell ya what, we're gonna put 'em right
They talk a funny language and they wear funny clothes
Well, American grindstone, meet A-rab nose
Y'all Muslim dead-enders, you're a' goin' to school
The lesson is freedom, our boot's the slide rule
Ya may do things wrong, but that's a gonna change
We train our teachers on a firin' range

Chorus
So we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way
Oh, we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way


Oh, they don't hang their towels on a towel rack
Over there in old Iraq
They put 'em on their heads and folks, that just ain't right
They don't lay their carpets down wall-to-wall
They fly round on 'em, don't that just beat all?
It may be a tall task, but we're gonna set 'em right

Yessir ...

We're gonna clean up this old globe
Give 'er a shower and a terricloth robe
'Cause that's how we use towels here in America
(We don't put 'em on our heads ... now that's just wrong)

Chorus
An' we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way
Oh, we're gonna tangle

We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way

We're gonna lay down a big bear rug
Wrap 'em up in a big bear hug
'Cause that's how we use carpets here in America
(We don't fly around on 'em like Ali Babber, that's fer shore)

Chorus
Yep, we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way
Oh, we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way

We're gonna twist up a big rat's tail
Snap 'em in the butt all the way to Hell
'Cause that's how we use towels here in America
(We use 'em to raise welts ... bigguns)

Chorus
Yep, we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way
Oh, we're gonna tangle
We're gonna tussle
Gonna wrassle 'em down from Baghdad to Mosul
We're gonna learn them terrorists all 'bout the American way





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