Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Hey Earth! What's your
secret for looking so young?

Dr. P. Punko has alerted us to several job openings in the Biology/Chemistry/Young Earth Science Department at Liberty University. He's already brushed up his curriculum vitae, so we thought we'd take the opportunity to apply ourselves. Here's our cover letter:

March 8, 2006

Dr. Ronald Hawkins, Dean
College of Arts & Sciences
Liberty University
1971 University Boulevard
Lynchburg, VA 24502

Dr. Hawkins,

I was most chastely delighted to learn of your search to fill a faculty position specializing in microbiology in your Biology/Chemistry Department at the Liberty University College of Arts & Sciences. Having recently completed my homeschooling for a Ph.D. in microbiology, I have been instructed by Pa to seek my fortune amongst the Strangers. I believe my godly demeanor and uncurious nature make me an excellent candidate for the position you seek to fill.

If I may be so bold, Dr. Hawkins, your stellar work in the field of book-learning inspired my own dissertation, entitled “Base Negative Epistemological Effects of the Heuristic Method for Exploiting Repeat DNA Sequences for Formulation of Unusual DNA Structures in the Native Mycorrhizal in a Colombian Oxisol: Lucifer’s Harvest.” Indeed, it was also your example that spurred me to create the metric-cubit conversion table now in use in some 64 percent of American homeschools.

I further believe that my antagonistic approach to the progressive accumulation of knowledge is precisely in line with your education philosophy at Liberty University, to which my annotated published works, attached below, do attest. For it is my opinion, that if 6,000+ years of human history done learnt us anything, it is that Satan has set many an evidentiary trap for the man of science who is not also a man of God. Just as Noah and his progeny are our sole bridge to Mankind's prelapsarian state, so too must the godly microbiologist be the untrained student's bridge to a properly faith-based narrow-casting of scientific experimentation to unfalsify the Scriptural meta-syllogism.

I devoutly proffer my resume and qualifications for your beatific review, and am modestly eager to discuss any openings with you. Thank you for your consideration.


Ezekiel Methusalephagus McCoy
The Basement
4 Dispensation Lane
Knob Lick, Missouri 77777

Lo, for The Enemy doth striketh down the Wicked Learned Meddlers on the Salt Pillars of Quobhag, but Verily the Creator doth lifteth up the Faithful in Rivers of Mare's Blood to the Heights of Dyspepsian Ecstasy! - 2 Ephedrans 23:6

Published works:

McCoy, E. M. 2004. "Fallen Microbes: The Devil’s Hand at Play in the Wanton Cell Division of Pond Water Sample 5655-g." in McCoy Homeschool Annual 1(1), 2004, pp. 1.

McCoy, E. M. 2005. "A Practical Application of Organic Microstructure Manipulation: Final Verification that with Proper Tools and Techniques, a Camel Goes Through the Eye of a Needle with Ease." in McCoy Homeschool Annual 1(2), 2005, pp. 1.

McCoy, E. M. 2005. "Bare Ankles, Tempting Wrists: A Studied Recommendation for a New Lab Coat Protocol for Female Organic Chemistry Students." in New England Journal of Medicine, 2005, (submitted, pending publication).

McCoy, E. M. 2006. "The Case Against Poking Around Ladies’ Sinful Parts & Other Doctory Excuses for Surefire Out-and-Out Deviltry." in Lancet, 2006, (submitted, pending publication).

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