Friday, March 24, 2006

 

Ben Domenech, the early years


1982: Ben Domenech is born in Jackson, Mississippi. Before the doctor can do it, a rampaging gang of leftists rushes into the delivery room and spanks him on the rear end. Ben defeats them by inventing, transcribing and then reading them the Riot Act on the spot. He will not speak again for two years.

1984: Little Ben utters his first words since the delivery room incident: "Mother: You filled my days with rainbow lights/fairytales and sweet dream nights/A kiss to wipe away my tears/Gingerbread to ease my fears/You gave the gift of life to me/And then in love, you set me free/I thank you for your tender care/for deep warm hugs and being there/I hope that when you think of me/A part of you, you'll always see. By Ben Domenech, Copyright and all rights herein are maintained by the author."

1987: Ben enters kindergarten at a local grammar school. In his first week, liberal saboteurs from the fourth grade insert Edward Gibbon's "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" in its entirety into Ben's interpretive fingerpainting of "Thomas the Tank Engine." Ben is falsely accused of plagiarism. His parents decide to homeschool him.

1989: Young Ben and his family move to Charlston, South Carolina, where his homeschooling proceeds apace. A sudden wave of chopped down cherry trees baffles local authorities. Ben, discovered in a cherry orchard one day with an axe, clears up the mystery when he reports seeing a band of liberal vandals running off over thataway. Unfortunately, they are never caught and still remain at large, possibly in the comments section at Atrios.

1991: Succeeding where generations of physicists failed, Ben produces a watertight Grand Unified Theory. He buries it in a time capsule, the location of which he only knows, to be opened at a time when humanity has purged itself of liberalism and is thus ready for the marvels contained within. Also in the time capsule are Ben's collection of the Charlotte Hornets' Larry Johnson rookie cards, which will totally be worth billions in 20 years ... interested investors can contact Ben about purchasing a stake in their future value.

1992: Ben, displaying still more Mensa-level talents, can recite any verse of the Bible on command, a feat he demonstrates on a local public access television show in Charlston. In an unrelated incident, liberal thieves break into a nearby teleprompter warehouse and make off with several crates full of equipment two nights before Ben's TV appearance.

1993: The wandering Domenech clan moves to Virginia. Ben adds to his growing list of accomplishments when he breaks the course record at the local muni golf course with an amazing round of 57. Even more incredibly, he does it at night and alone, with no technical advice from a caddy or playing partner . . . and with a gang of leftist muggers stalking him the entire time. Also that year, Ben coins the phrase, "To coin a phrase ..."

1994: Ben publishes his first essay, in Our Planet, a book about environmental issues. Three short years later, he begins writing for Human Events. And the rest, as Ben was the first to ever say, is history.

UPDATE: This just in!

2032: Ben's future self invents time travel, and journeys back to the early 21st century. Over a course of several visits to our time, future-Ben deposits many original essays and movie reviews in the computers of present day journalists. This is done to enable present-day-Ben to access his own future insights on politics and film easily - by simply copying them as they appear in various published venues - all without risking a rift in the space-time continuum that could result if future-Ben encountered present-Ben in person.





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