Friday, March 31, 2006


The Left's Fear of Giving Me Money, Part MMCMLVQXXIVZPPII

by AssParrot in Shangri La - 3/31/2006 08:58:00 AM

Megadittoes to John Aravosis for
his post on AMERICAblog yesterday taking the hatas to task for their jealous green-eyed envy of the successful set. I too have written frequently about the fear of giving me money that some people have on the left. I think it's time for the next installment.

Last night I attended a bird’s nest soup tasting soiree in Brunei Darussalam. I got invited by an oil-industry friend who had bought a few favors from the Sultan. It's a biggest-of-the-year kind of gala which anyone who's anyone in jet-setting cobaggery attends, from Sheiks to would be court dandies. Sally Field is usually the invited guest, but ever since the
“Not Without My Daughter” incident, not so much, so Christiane Amanpour attended.

I knew, because of past experience with some reading this blog, that when I got back home and posted my Annie Lieobowitz originals of the event that I’ve had rendered in narwhale scrimshaw, a minority of my readers, but a very vocal minority, would be upset. Why? Because I'd be wearing a tuxedo made of gold flake and transshipped GMO silk at a party with famous people.


The reaction was quick and furious, and rather vicious. Some examples:

1. One gentleman wrote in to complain that with three children to support, rent to pay, rising healthcare costs, blah blah blah, he’d only be able to send me $20 this month. Astounding. Folks, if you can’t recognize the priority of sending me more than a piddling two sawbucks, then I’m afraid you don’t really want your country back. Another woman had the audacity to attach a note to her check for $200 that read, “For Assparrot to upgrade his blog at his discretion.” Look, it’s not your job to tell me how to spend your money. It’s my job to tell you how to do it. If you want me to continue to fight the good fight for accountability and transparency in our government, you’ll just have to trust me on this. Also, you’re just jealous.

2. People have complained about my fabulous lifestyle. It’s gotten to the point where I no longer can call it a fringe phenomenon. Too many of you are doing it for these baseless, jealous, envious, scurrilous, hateful, jealous attacks to be anything but the core agenda of the American left. The other day I whipped up a small pledge drive to enable me to charter a jet to attend a splendid gala at the Parthenon in Athens thrown by a dear old friend to celebrate
the unbirthday of her beloved Grammatophyllum multiflorum. I was criticized mercilessly for it. Never mind the camp value of refereeing a kamikazi shot-drinking contest between Tara Reid and Princess Alexandra of Luxembourg. If the plebes can’t comprehend the incredible value of such galavantery to the progressive cause, then I must assume they want Hitler to rule them.

3. I maintain summer homes for all 12 of my cats in Riyadh, Jakarta, St. Tropez, Nantucket, Tiburon, Buenos Aires, a private island in the Sulu Archipelago, etc. etc. My neckties are air-freighted from Saville Row on the Concorde then put in cold storage by my manservant. I have never eaten a salad that cost less than $125. Apparently this means I’m living high on the hog. That I’m “rich” or something. As if the fact that I have wealthy friends who pay my way in the world is somehow “lucrative” for me. Also, last week I got a mild case of the sniffles as a result of my tireless efforts to wrest power and prestige from the Republicans. Everybody hates me because I’m beautiful and marvelous and can speak 18 languages at a time through my mastery of the Tibetan glottal technique. I have been to the Moon six times to better my understanding of Bill O’Reilly.

4. Go read Hannah Arendt before you talk to me. You are stupid and ugly and I hate you. Better yet, don’t talk to me even after you read Hannah Arendt. Because I said it first and you are copying me. Just give me your money and go away.

5. Nobody complained when I was the self-proclaimed Emperor of Prussia. Next time I won’t bother to tell you that just last week I was in your living room rearranging your furniture to my tastes and presetting your TIVO to record my CNN appearances. You can thank me when you grow up or die or both.

Clearly, many of you have no idea about the sort of you-giving-me-all-your-money that it takes to win in politics. You’d rather make my life miserable with your jealous criticisms.
Marla Ruzicka had it easy, in my book. If anybody deserves a Caribbean cruise to unwind after all this hatred, it’s me.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Like a Cock

Thanks, PP. Nice one. Here's ours.

UPDATE: Another one. And check out robola's ...

NOW WITH MORE UPDATE: This funny one by Fact-esque reminds me of an old BP PowerPoint parody by Billy Connelly. Norbizness is also doing them, and they're going fast so be quick about teh clickity.

UPDATE VU: Last of the red-hot Chevy ads.


Note to self: You are a shockingly relentless pursuer of amazingly important blog issues

First things first: "Booty butt." One of the many words my children have brought home from school; one of the few which I fondly recall from my own distant youth on the mean playgrounds of the San Francisco Unified School District. "Tight," "magney," "cold" and the once-ubiquitous "psyche" have sadly gone the way of the dinosaurs, as, I fear, have "gank" and even "dank" ... but I'll probably have to wait for the lads to reach petty crime and drug experimentation age to find out if I'm right about the extinction of the latter two.

Now then.

Glenn Greenwald makes me swoon. Jane Hamsher is firedogcracker hot. John Cole is a limp and slimy three-day old egg salad sandwich.

And yet ...

Did we really need to see the
mash note from Glenn congratulating Jane on her recent victory over John? Did anyone else feel slightly embarrassed for GG & JH upon reading it? Am I auditioning for Wonkette? Can we start calling them "Glennisher"? Or is "Glane" better?

I mean, all props to
Vladi G on leading the comment rebellion against Cole. But Jane posting that email has nearly ruined it. The ugly:

"I do think that what he did illustrates an extremely important problem that you - given your past history leading the whole Jim Brady/Debbie war - are in the best position to comment on."

"You basically did to John Cole what you did to Jim Brady - pursued with a shocking, relentless (and appropriate) tenacity their inaccurate comments to the point where - because they couldn’t admit error - they decided to resent and hate you instead and, by extension, the whole "Left blogosphere."

"I wrote about that once a while ago here - when attacking the disgustingly snotty anti-blog mentality at The New Republic, but it’s an amazingly important issue to protect the value of the blogosphere and you argue that as well as anyone."

Okay, Glenn. Dude. You and Jane are awesome. You're both important, influential figures in the blogosphere, which is totally valuable and not at all a self-obsessed wanktorium. I'm a total nothing schmuck. But please do try to keep it in your pants about Jane's "shocking, relentless (and appropriate) tenacity" and the "amazingly important issue" of catching a dumbass like Cole saying something stupid.

And Jane, next time ... just savor the victory. It's more becoming of someone who is so vitally shockingly excessively adverbially in a position to do so.


Monday, March 27, 2006


Moving on ...

I'm not sure much more can be milked from Ben Domenech (as naughtily horrific as that phrasing may be). It was a fun run, the hilarious culmination of which may well be this from Sadly, No! In the end, we all became borderline plagiarismaholics, trembling greedily at the thought of another tumblerful of 24-year-old single malt Loch Domenech ... so smokily inviting through the prism of crystal-clear snark, full-bodied yet surprising us frequently with odd, counter-intuitive riffs on the nature of truth, a potent potable that truly scaled the heights of pure, reckless sophistry.

Fortunately, before someone had to invent a 12-step program to wean us of our addiction to the demon Red Benny, he himself
cut-and-pasted ran*, leaving only those die-hard, last-to-leave-the-party hedonists amongst us to lick the damaged furniture of our trivernal saturnalia of Ben for whatever spillage might have gone undrunk, before facing up to the brutal reality of a splitting hangover, the prospect of a round of physically crippling withdrawals, and, finally, if we are disciplined enough to stay on the wagon, sweet, full recovery.

So now we move on. To bigger, more important issues, the first of which, for me at least, will be Iraq. Or, as I have come to call it, the most fucked-to-hell place going.

Now some may say that this is a defeatist, pessimistic outlook. And the truth is, I don't really like to comment on Iraq because I'm not there to see the Potemkin brigades first-hand or to walk the heavily-policed streets of the Green Zone in person. For all I know, Iraq really is one giant grammar-school-and-hospital barnraising party, as
some would have it.

And yes, I'm being shockingly tongue-in-cheek here, but the truth is, I lived in Thailand for eight years, and I have myself experienced the delusions outsiders often have about a country they have never been to, or perhaps once visited for a few weeks. So really, I am very sympathetic to the idea that most of us Americans have not the first fucking clue about what life in Iraq is really like.

That said, the number "30" and variations thereof keeps popping up re: Iraq, wherever I chance to look. As in, "30 Killed in Iraq Bombing" ... which is apparently a headline macro over at the Associated Press offices, given the frequency it turns up on my newsfeeds.

You see, much as I believe in going somewhere to find out what it's really like, I can't help but think these sort of numbers in and of themselves tell a pretty goddam powerful story. Countries that are decent places to hang out simply don't have dozens of people having their bodies ripped apart, separated from their heads, or otherwise experiencing less-than-optimal structural integrity on a near-daily basis. You know ... they just don't.

Yes, I opposed this war from the outset, as probably 99 percent of my regular readers** did as well. So none of the above is really going to be very enlightening in a Digbyesque way to all of you who predicted this sort of mess was likely to happen, and who argued, marched or even just silently stewed against the invasion of Iraq back in 2002-03.

Still, I think it's important to show why, despite so many Bush apologists' claims, the general dissatisfaction with the Iraq War in the U.S. is not some media creation. When Americans regularly open their newspapers to discover such headlines as "Iraq Police Find 30 Bodies, Most Beheaded" or click over to Yahoo to see that "Shiites Assail U.S. Raid; Bombing Kills 40" or check in with a favorite blog for "More Good News" ... well, it doesn't really matter how many orphanage-painting and heroic-Iraqi-voter stories the media also reports. People are going to figure out something's rotten in Legoland.

We're not complete idiots, you know. We may not be in Iraq to see things first-hand ... but when a country is as demonstrably fucked-up as this one is, you don't need to be Lawrence of Arabia to figure it out.

*Sorry. Last Ben joke evar, promise.

**This may be shocking news to Pinko Punko, snag and my mom, who were probably unaware that they were each 0.33 percent in favor of the Iraq War three years ago.


Sunday, March 26, 2006


The gauntlet has been thrown down!

Bas-O-Matic challenges us in comments:

"Pinko Punko is an obvious commie punk. You fucking libs want us to lose so bad your teeth throb. How does it feel to hate Americans so much?"

In addition to displaying his staggering genius at both etymology and orthodontics, Bass-O-Matic makes a really good point. How does it feel?

I personally think it's like having a warehouse full of bubble wrap to pop. What do you think?


Saturday, March 25, 2006


This is getting surreal ...

So Benny-boy has apologized, kinda sorta, after first blaming the liberals and P.J. O'Rourke for his plagiarism. Then Red State had to issue a weird half-admission of Ben's guilt because, you know, even movementarians have a vague understanding that the gig's up when you get caught in the middle of the town square pissing on the shrubbery ... watering the flowers there's video? and my dick's still hanging out? ... uh, pissing on the shrubbery. (Now here's the part where you all say how honorable and manly I am for admitting to my youthful urinary indiscretions.)

But of course it doesn't end here. Check out the
comment thread on the above Red State post. There you'll find one Thomas and one streiff, apparently Red State administrators of some sort, wielding their mighty commenter banning hammers with beserker* fury at the slightest hint of any visitor actually wanting to hold Ben accountable for his serial scumbaggery.

Seriously, read this shit if you can stand the horror of finding yourself in sympathy with Michelle Malkin (!) ... who had the temerity to tell the little shit he should resign when the evidence of his plagiarism was a mere avalanche 24 hours ago, rather than the extinction-level debris field it is today. For this, the dynamic duo of streiff and Thomas are drumming a bad cop-psychopathic cop beat on the heads of anyone on the thread who dares to quietly suggest that Malkin may have been offering decent advice. Because, you see, Ben may have done wrong, but wronger still is saying he done wrong.

Anyway, at the exponential rate these new Torquemadas are banning commenters for the slightest hint of apostasy, I predict that at precisely 2:23am GMT, March 27, 2006, Red State will collapse in on itself and disappear with a quiet *poof*.

Oh, God, if only.

UPDATE: Another
rich vein of insanity to tap, in which we learn that a loyalty oath to Ben Domenech is required for entry into the wingnutosphere.

UPDATE II: Thomas above is this Thomas. (Credit to 3B!) Also, dig how this guy has a tag-quotation on his comments that originates from another Red Stater. Isn't that just the height of wankery?

*Or more spellingly, berserker. Happy, PP?


Friday, March 24, 2006


Ben Domenech, the early years

1982: Ben Domenech is born in Jackson, Mississippi. Before the doctor can do it, a rampaging gang of leftists rushes into the delivery room and spanks him on the rear end. Ben defeats them by inventing, transcribing and then reading them the Riot Act on the spot. He will not speak again for two years.

1984: Little Ben utters his first words since the delivery room incident: "Mother: You filled my days with rainbow lights/fairytales and sweet dream nights/A kiss to wipe away my tears/Gingerbread to ease my fears/You gave the gift of life to me/And then in love, you set me free/I thank you for your tender care/for deep warm hugs and being there/I hope that when you think of me/A part of you, you'll always see. By Ben Domenech, Copyright and all rights herein are maintained by the author."

1987: Ben enters kindergarten at a local grammar school. In his first week, liberal saboteurs from the fourth grade insert Edward Gibbon's "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" in its entirety into Ben's interpretive fingerpainting of "Thomas the Tank Engine." Ben is falsely accused of plagiarism. His parents decide to homeschool him.

1989: Young Ben and his family move to Charlston, South Carolina, where his homeschooling proceeds apace. A sudden wave of chopped down cherry trees baffles local authorities. Ben, discovered in a cherry orchard one day with an axe, clears up the mystery when he reports seeing a band of liberal vandals running off over thataway. Unfortunately, they are never caught and still remain at large, possibly in the comments section at Atrios.

1991: Succeeding where generations of physicists failed, Ben produces a watertight Grand Unified Theory. He buries it in a time capsule, the location of which he only knows, to be opened at a time when humanity has purged itself of liberalism and is thus ready for the marvels contained within. Also in the time capsule are Ben's collection of the Charlotte Hornets' Larry Johnson rookie cards, which will totally be worth billions in 20 years ... interested investors can contact Ben about purchasing a stake in their future value.

1992: Ben, displaying still more Mensa-level talents, can recite any verse of the Bible on command, a feat he demonstrates on a local public access television show in Charlston. In an unrelated incident, liberal thieves break into a nearby teleprompter warehouse and make off with several crates full of equipment two nights before Ben's TV appearance.

1993: The wandering Domenech clan moves to Virginia. Ben adds to his growing list of accomplishments when he breaks the course record at the local muni golf course with an amazing round of 57. Even more incredibly, he does it at night and alone, with no technical advice from a caddy or playing partner . . . and with a gang of leftist muggers stalking him the entire time. Also that year, Ben coins the phrase, "To coin a phrase ..."

1994: Ben publishes his first essay, in Our Planet, a book about environmental issues. Three short years later, he begins writing for Human Events. And the rest, as Ben was the first to ever say, is history.

UPDATE: This just in!

2032: Ben's future self invents time travel, and journeys back to the early 21st century. Over a course of several visits to our time, future-Ben deposits many original essays and movie reviews in the computers of present day journalists. This is done to enable present-day-Ben to access his own future insights on politics and film easily - by simply copying them as they appear in various published venues - all without risking a rift in the space-time continuum that could result if future-Ben encountered present-Ben in person.


Thursday, March 23, 2006


Fucking plagiarists!

A Parrotline exclusive:

2006's Own Jeff Gannon
We're gonna miss you, Ben. Your time with the Washington Post will be even shorter than Jeff Gannon's stint as a White House correspondent. And let's face it: That's really sad.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I’m b-a-a-a-a-a-ck!

Jeez, a feller takes a week off to self-administer a few high colonics for charity, and all hell breaks loose. Snag’s eulogizing me with Simon & Garfunkel, Pinko Punko’s all, “Check the hospitals … and don’t forget the morgue!” Sadly, No! gets down with some sympathy linkage for the dead guy, Adorable Girlfriend wanders by to call me an “ass” in comments (richly deserved, and also happens to be my name).

PP points out, I got more traffic by not posting, so whaddyagunnado? Like, the Editors go missing for two weeks, then pop in to say, “I’m cool” … and they get 50 comments. Atrios is like, “Talk amongst yourselves, dumbasses” … and he gets 400 comments. Next time, I’ll just bust out with “Fuck you, cretins” … and I’ll straight up break the cybernets.

Anyhoo … here’s some catching up:

AEI lady on C-SPAN … big-time tosspot. But first, check out
Dave Neiwert’s nice dressing down of Tucker Carlson for sulking about Arianna Huffington calling his petulant ass out for not disclosing Daddy Carlson’s ties to the Scooter Libby legal defense fund. Transparency, it’s mmm-mmm good.

(As an aside – and expect a whole lot more of these … I been gone a long time, muthafuckas – is Tucker Carlson not the most venal little piece of shit going? It’s not really what he says or does, though. Any number of primetime jackasses are more despicable than Tucker, at least theoretically. You know, your O’Reillys, your Hannitys, your Rush Limbaughs. But there’s just something about Tucker that makes you want to strangle the twerp more than you would want to strangle those guys. The very atoms that have conspired across space and time to form the pusillanimous flesh-sack known to us as Tucker Carlson scream out to be pummeled with the most fearsome accelerated particles we could possibly fling at them for all eternity. Whatever energy drives his sorry ass to walk and talk and speak ought to be inspiration enough to modern science to devise a means of flouting the First Law of Thermodynamics just to banish it from existence forever. It’s like Tucker’s a living, breathing trigger for Tourette’s Syndrome in all who ever have the misfortune of seeing him on television, a man who would drive Gandhi to violence, Shane McGowan to sobriety, Dick Cheney to unicorns and rainbows. If I had to choose between having one Tucker Carlson on the planet or 6.5 billion Tom Arnold clones, it’d be a tougher decision than you might think. Aside from all that, I’ve got kind of a soft spot for the little bow-tied prick. Okay, back to your irregularly scheduled programming.)

Now, pull up a chair and listen to my tangentially related story. It involves me watching C-SPAN’s Washington Journal at roughly 5am PST on Monday … and I tell ya, it’s a corker of a tale. Well, not really, but anyway, there’s this foreign policy expert woman on from the American Enterprise Institute who talks
like I imagine this person does, which is to say, like a female Thurston Howell III, only with more command of the lower register.

So Luvvie is up there fielding questions about the Iraq War, defending all the “progress” being made over there and complaining that the media aren’t gooing and gawing every time an Iraqi wipes his ass without needing the fucking 3rd Infantry Division to stand guard over the hole in the ground.

You know - the usual wingnut complaints. Plus a few extra-credit swipes at Jack Murtha for having the audacity on Meet the Press the other day to compare the Iraq War to, you know, other historical conflicts that might, I don’t know, teach us something about the current one.

Anyway, this didn’t really concern me. We’re all used to this kind of high-ass talk from rightwing think tank 'bots by now. But then the doctor lady who looks like Jane Curtin that runs the Monday Washington Journals busted out the C-SPAN digital FX where they go super close-up on some highlighted newspaper article. The gist of which was that Gen. Whatisname, former supreme commander of Centcomdef-9 TacFrag or whatever, was retiring from the military and entering the private sector as a consultant for some “civilian” firm that happens to be up to its ass in military hardware at any given time. And apparently, the general has to wait two years before he can start using his Pentagon juice to get the latest top-secret nano-laser specs over to his new company.

Or something. Of course it was a lot more technical than that, and had to do with reasonable restrictions on former brass from immediately padding their new companies’ stockpiles and their own bank accounts with gelt procured thanks to unfair advantages, and shall we say, ethical conflicts of interest (you knew we’d get back to the
Neiwert-Tucker connection, didn’t you?)

So AEI’s 2007 Kentucky Derby entry acts all horrified that anybody would evar suspect a fine, upstanding public servant – nay, American hero – like Gen. Major of doing something naughty with his pull at the Pentagon … and it’s a terrible, terrible way of honoring our five-stars by making them follow petty little legal technicalities like the one in question, and my! How horribly cynical we’ve all become to not trust even general staff officers.

Which, really, really pisses me off. I mean, her attitude. More than her nonsense about progress in Iraq … so maybe my priorities are screwed, but bear with me.

See, this country was founded on cynicism, the practical application of which is called checks-and-balances, separation of powers and all that jazz. The Founders weren’t noble men … they were scumbags. But their genius, as evidenced by the Constitution, was that they knew they were scumbags. After all, they did business with each other - including fucking slavery, no less. They probably spent a fair amount of time trying to fuck each other’s wives behind each other’s backs. Franklin alone likely deserved an entire Article detailing how to separate his little executive branch from any number of deliberative bodies.

So they set about to create government by the scumbags, for the scumbags and of the scumbags. The upshot is that what the untrusting old coots came up with was a really good framework for not letting scumbags run amok. Because even scumbags realize that unfettered scumbaggery will eventually bite them on the ass. The best of all possible systems, the Founders recognized, was not one where all public officials were trusted to be inherently noble and pure and moral, but rather one where they couldn’t afford to be otherwise. Now that is some smart fucking government-inventing, and those of us who don’t guzzle crazy-juice at AEI figured out how great it is in high school civics class.

Does it always work? Of course not. Is there a balance that needs to be maintained between individual liberty and what could become overly invasive scrutiny? Sure, but that’s a subject for another thrilling return from a week-long blog holiday.

At any rate, the point is, “trust” has nothing to do with what the good general can or can’t do with his new career in the private sector. The rules governing that - which are built up from the Constitution, which is built up from the brilliant idea that it’s wise not to give public officials the chance to be untrustworthy – aren’t personal. They’re business. Individuals like the AEI hag can trust the general all they want. They can toss bucketfuls of Extra-Strength Trust (Now with Fast-Acting Gullibleach!) at the guy if they want. But the law doesn't trust them as far as it can throw them, which is pretty far, what with the long arm and all.

Me, well, I like the law. I like the Constitution. I like the fundamental principle that says, keeping a hand on your wallet is a good idea, even when it’s just a former Pentagon insider sitting next to you on the bus to lucrative military contracts.

And to those America-haters who don’t … here’s a big, steaming cup of “Go fuck yourself.”


Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Extra! Extra! Drum Urges Caution!

Dull, spineless and living in Orange County is no way to go through life, son.

"Everyone wants to know how I feel about Russ Feingold's motion to censure President Bush over the NSA's domestic spying program," writes Kevin Drum.

Amy S. Christ, everybody but us. Or more accurately, we already know how you feel about it, Kevin. You feel damp and mushy about it. You feel soggy and boring about it. You feel fence-straddlingly sodden and droningly pie chartish about it.

Oh, yes you do. Because that's how you feel about any political move that requires as much daring as your granny summons up to go all-in on an extra sheet at Bingo Night.

Anyway, away you go: "I'll give you two and a half answers ..."

Okay, stop. Shut up. We'll take it from here. For fuck's sake, we're talking about censuring a president sitting at 33 percent approval on the Pew survey ... which further tells us that "[t]he single word most frequently associated with George W. Bush today is 'incompetent,' and close behind are two other increasingly mentioned descriptors: 'idiot' and 'liar.' (Hat tip to you, Drum, you oblivious, pants-pissing fuck.)

Look, more people on that survey describe Bush as "Ass" than "President". That tells us something, maybe. Like, maybe, just maybe, censuring Bush - or rather being seen to be attempting to censure Bush, because a Republican-controlled Senate would never in a million hurricane seasons actually allow it to happen - is what a whole hell of a lot of Americans want to happen. Like maybe the majority of them. Even a three-quarter majority of them.

But no. To you it smells risky. Scary stuff. Republicans might spin it so everybody thinks Feingold was really trying to enact National Noam Chomsky Day where everybody would be forced to burn American flags and gay marry or something.

Ooh, strawman (h/t The Ace). Whatever. We don't care about your long-winded, base-covering, cut-and-measured explanation for why you're yet again on the fence about an actual bold move by a Democrat. You know, your latest lame triangulation is such a half-formed shit immobilizing you on the pot, it isn't even funny. We mean, it would be funny except for the fact that you wrote it.

(Goddamn, if that doesn't get him pissed off enough to notice us, we don't know what will.)


Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Saddest blog in the whole damn town

The Junkyard Dog is frothing at the mouth over Sayed Rahmatullah Hashemi, the former mouthpiece for the Taliban, getting a student visa to attend Yale.

If that riles him up, we bet he's going to be snapping mad when he finds out about the Nazis that Harvard lets in.

Let's scan Junkyard Dog's blog for more stuff to ridicule ... oh, we probably won't find anything ... hang on! The very next post! It's a half-ass 'fisking' of every wingnut's favorite whipping boy, the BBC. Ooh, the Beeb wrote a story about Pat Robertson calling protesting Muslims "crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with."

Growling that "Beeb Bias Strikes Again," the Dog proceeds to go to bat for a guy who blames riots and terrorism on demonic possession. Way to pick your pals, JD! The devil made me tease you!

A little further down, the Compost Pile Poodle crows mightily about this list of U.S. athletes who donate to political parties. What we learn is that NASCAR drivers make up for all the left turns on the track by contributing almost 100 percent to the Republicans, as do pro golfers and Dallas Cowboy quarterbacks who ought to be thanking Dem-leaning Emmitt Smith daily for their Super Bowl rings. Don King gives to the GOP, victims of Don King give to Democrats. College basketball coaches mostly give to the Dems. In the case of Dean Smith, this saddens the Yapping Lapdog, who calls the former North Carolina coach a "yellow dog Democrat." Which, you know, he might be ... but as far as we can tell, ol' Worst in Show just made that up.

More from the puke green dog Doofocrat: "No-hit legend Nolan Ryan, aka Big Tex: Republican. Democrats just don’t command the mound and punch out men half their age the way Ryan did. They just don’t."

That would be news to Satchel Paige, 1968 Democratic candidate for a Missouri state assembly seat. When Ryan turns 59, we'll just have to see if he too can give up one hit, retire six in a row and get a strikeout in three innings against the Boston Red Sox.


Liberals cross the line

I'm confused. The President of the United States can yuk it up about Dick Cheney actually shooting a guy in the face with nary a peep from Michelle Malkin ... but if some liberal bloggers joke about the nascent Claude Allen "evil twin" theory?

Well, that's just
going too far.

"I don't see why this is funny," Michelle Malkin posts, noting that "the oh-so-compassionate Left is snickering at the possibility that Floyd Allen may have been responsible for the crimes with which Claude Allen has now been charged."

Dammit! What were those bloggers thinking?!? What could possibly be funny about an evil twin? Don't they know that
this is what's funny? And this? And this and this and this?

So be warned, you conservatives with evil twins, if you ever find yourself in trouble - "
snivelling leftists like conspiracy theorist Josh Marshall will go after your family."

Seriously, though, I think these people's heads are going to explode when they watch Leno tonight, let alone the Daily Show. It's possible old Soupy Sales tapes are too edgy for them.

UPDATE: I am so riding Pinko Punko's coattails on this post that all I can see in front of me is a swirling maelstrom of discarded Take-5 wrappers.


Sunday, March 12, 2006


Holy crap

Editor & Publisher, from Glennzilla, on the Terrorist Surveillance Act of 2006 to be introduced by Ohio Sen. Michael DeWine:

"The bill would make it a crime to tell the American people that the president is breaking the law, and the bill could make it a crime for the newspapers to publish that fact," said [Center for National Security Studies director Kate] Martin.

Hey you frogs - that pot of water hot enough for ya?


Friday, March 10, 2006


Guantanamo cookbook

Chapter 1: Entrees

Orange Glazed Chicken with Rice

1/2 cup flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
3 to 3 1/2 pounds chicken pieces (or use 1 broiler fryer chicken, cut up)
1 large orange, seedless
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups orange juice
1 teaspoon sugar
hot cooked rice
1 green onion, with green part, sliced

1. Combine flour and salt in a food storage bag or paper bag; add chicken pieces, a few at a time, and toss to coat well. Reserve remaining flour mixture.

2. Grate 1 teaspoon of peel from orange; reserve. Peel the orange and separate into sections. Cut each section into 4 pieces; set aside.

3. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat; add chicken pieces and brown quickly on both sides, about 5 minutes. Combine reserved flour mixture, orange peel, orange juice, and sugar; stir well. Stir orange juice mixture into the skillet; cover, reduce heat to low, and continue cooking for 25 to 30 minutes, or until chicken is tender. Prepare rice while chicken is cooking.

4. Spoon hot rice into blender; top with chicken pieces. Stir orange pieces and green onion into the skillet; heat through. Spoon a little of the sauce over the chicken and mix orange pieces and green onion into blender. Blend thoroughly. Serve through nasal tubes.

Force feeds 4 to 5.


haiku of townhall

With apologies to Sadly, No!

Nathanael Blake

Blah blah blah homeschool
Here’s the punchline wait for it
Me getting pussy

Chuck Colson

I cry foul on Dems
This is worse than McCarthy
My slime knows no bounds

Doug Wilson

I’ll walk a mile in
Your boots when you pull them up
Fuck you I got mine

Brent Bozell

It’s hard out here for
A pundit tryin’ to mask
Racism with concern

Clifford T. May

They don’t wear red coats
So when we torture and rape
They made us do it

Ann Coulter

Damn you Hollywood
O why did you deny me
My Brokeback win snit

Ben Shapiro

Yay for recruiting
Boo for Supreme Court sillies
Sorry sarge trick knee

Jonah Goldberg

Film stars are divas
Proof: A couple anecdotes
That is Pantload math

Kathleen Parker

Calling all Muslims
Start apologizing for
Shit you didn’t do

Todd Manzi

MSM scooped by
Townhall on sad non-story
Now Quaid wants face back

David Limbaugh

I have writer’s block
Slag Clinton time! Dude party
At Frank Stallone’s house


Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Hey Earth! What's your
secret for looking so young?

Dr. P. Punko has alerted us to several job openings in the Biology/Chemistry/Young Earth Science Department at Liberty University. He's already brushed up his curriculum vitae, so we thought we'd take the opportunity to apply ourselves. Here's our cover letter:

March 8, 2006

Dr. Ronald Hawkins, Dean
College of Arts & Sciences
Liberty University
1971 University Boulevard
Lynchburg, VA 24502

Dr. Hawkins,

I was most chastely delighted to learn of your search to fill a faculty position specializing in microbiology in your Biology/Chemistry Department at the Liberty University College of Arts & Sciences. Having recently completed my homeschooling for a Ph.D. in microbiology, I have been instructed by Pa to seek my fortune amongst the Strangers. I believe my godly demeanor and uncurious nature make me an excellent candidate for the position you seek to fill.

If I may be so bold, Dr. Hawkins, your stellar work in the field of book-learning inspired my own dissertation, entitled “Base Negative Epistemological Effects of the Heuristic Method for Exploiting Repeat DNA Sequences for Formulation of Unusual DNA Structures in the Native Mycorrhizal in a Colombian Oxisol: Lucifer’s Harvest.” Indeed, it was also your example that spurred me to create the metric-cubit conversion table now in use in some 64 percent of American homeschools.

I further believe that my antagonistic approach to the progressive accumulation of knowledge is precisely in line with your education philosophy at Liberty University, to which my annotated published works, attached below, do attest. For it is my opinion, that if 6,000+ years of human history done learnt us anything, it is that Satan has set many an evidentiary trap for the man of science who is not also a man of God. Just as Noah and his progeny are our sole bridge to Mankind's prelapsarian state, so too must the godly microbiologist be the untrained student's bridge to a properly faith-based narrow-casting of scientific experimentation to unfalsify the Scriptural meta-syllogism.

I devoutly proffer my resume and qualifications for your beatific review, and am modestly eager to discuss any openings with you. Thank you for your consideration.


Ezekiel Methusalephagus McCoy
The Basement
4 Dispensation Lane
Knob Lick, Missouri 77777

Lo, for The Enemy doth striketh down the Wicked Learned Meddlers on the Salt Pillars of Quobhag, but Verily the Creator doth lifteth up the Faithful in Rivers of Mare's Blood to the Heights of Dyspepsian Ecstasy! - 2 Ephedrans 23:6

Published works:

McCoy, E. M. 2004. "Fallen Microbes: The Devil’s Hand at Play in the Wanton Cell Division of Pond Water Sample 5655-g." in McCoy Homeschool Annual 1(1), 2004, pp. 1.

McCoy, E. M. 2005. "A Practical Application of Organic Microstructure Manipulation: Final Verification that with Proper Tools and Techniques, a Camel Goes Through the Eye of a Needle with Ease." in McCoy Homeschool Annual 1(2), 2005, pp. 1.

McCoy, E. M. 2005. "Bare Ankles, Tempting Wrists: A Studied Recommendation for a New Lab Coat Protocol for Female Organic Chemistry Students." in New England Journal of Medicine, 2005, (submitted, pending publication).

McCoy, E. M. 2006. "The Case Against Poking Around Ladies’ Sinful Parts & Other Doctory Excuses for Surefire Out-and-Out Deviltry." in Lancet, 2006, (submitted, pending publication).


Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Oh gosh, if you insist ...

ParrotLine just got tagged with one of those cool pass-it-along 'three thing' quizzes that all the ppopular bloggers are doing right now ... by, um, this really preety, popular blogger from, um, France ... so, you know, you probably won't ever run into her ... but she's totally popular and really digs us and we toltally email back-and-fourth all the time ... and anyway, heres teh quiz ... that the hot girl blogger from France tagged us with (PS shes really private so we can't give you her contact infor ... PPS she is like way mature and only would tag other mature people with this quiz ... PPPSSSS we are only very close friens and we are pledged to save ousrselves 4 marriage):

1. Name three bloggers who are totally stuck up?
Atrios, Ann Althouse, the moderators at Mugglenet who rejected my Snape-Magongagal(sp?) 'shipping fanfic wear Magonaggal helps Snape find Jesus, chuckles

2. What are you're three fave movies of all time?
Anything by Harry Potter, A Cinderalla STory, Coed Assbangers IV, Pssion of the Christ

3. If you were stranded on a dessert island what three records would you want their?
Kidz Trackz IV, Hillary Duff, the world long distance swimming record (hee)

4. What three places have you lived in?
Glendale, Bible Camp, Hetrosexual Reeducation School

4. What three places did you visits?
Salt Lake City, Pasadena, Ancheorpoint Christian mixer in Fresno

5. If you could live in a abroad country whath three would it be?
Italy, France, uPper West Side, Provo,k teh Holy Land (historical reunited I hope and pary!)

6. Name tehree things Hilarly Clinton would have to do to earn you're vote four PRES of the U.S?
Eat, sh*t and die (I am sooooo mean!)

76. What three memebers of the 'opposite" sex would you like to stick in an elevator?
Herimione, Polyjuice Poshun Cat Hermione, Lynda Carter (only if I brake up w/a ceartain mature sexy bloggerr from France, that is also PLEASE respoect my committment to save myself for marriage to my 1 'true love')

8. You're three fave books are?
Pinko Punkos slam book, Are You Their God its ME Margret, anything by Harry Potter, THE BIBLE! Number 1!!!!1!! (can I change it to only the BILE and not those other ones?)

9. Thrree cool teachers?
Jesus, Mr. Shiply, Mrs. Vida

10. Three lame teachers?
Mr. McGovern, Miss Labby, Coach Corwin (i heard theys are agnostheists!)

11. 3 things that will rule about high school?
No hiomeroom; I mean I think no homeroom - do they have homeroom in high school? Also teh prom and no more gym class abd more oppertunity to build my relationship with Jesus

12. Three things that will sux about high school?
More homework, COLLEGE!!!!1! or SATS!!!!, prolly wont get a car even tho my stupid older sister did, more pressure to have sex w/hot mature members of the oppossite sex or/and become a wiccan

13. Three bolggers who it would be cool to hang out with?
Reagans Childrens, Michell Coulter, teh l4m3, Jesus (if He had a blog it would be the BEST one)

14. What three embarissing things did you do?
Peed in my sleeping bag at Bible Camp, smoked a cigarete (it made me sick), close my heart to Jesus wehn I engage in self-abuse

15. Tag three more bloggers with tihs quiz?
Timmah 420, Ben Shapior, Ron Jeremy


Monday, March 06, 2006


Gonzalez replies

Our friend Francisco Gonzalez has replied to our comment that questioned his portrayal of abortion as the “ultimate act of murder.” Let’s see what he has to say. Here’s the heart of it:
As for the abortions that still go on on a daily basis, I do consider these the equivalent of murder - and by the worst kind of murder, I mean a mother actually committing the act of taking her own child's life (and believe me, plenty of fathers are implicated in this matter as well).

However, I can't just storm into abortion clinics and stop this, as I do respect the RULE OF LAW. And, I try to do my part each day to help overturn that law. We have to fight it in the courts and in the legislatures, but most importantly, in the hearts and minds of individuals.
Well, this simply won’t do. No, it won’t do at all. < /Usenet thread pedant >

But seriously, by Gonzalez’s standard, those “good Germans” we’ve read of really were good, while the Jewish resistance fighters who participated in the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising were base violators of the “RULE OF LAW”, and Oskar Schindler was a kind of white-collar criminal debasing the intent of the Nuremberg Laws.

Because why, Mr. Gonzalez, if “the worst kind of murder” is being committed in the United States on a daily basis – in a mass auto-genocide that you say has already claimed 40 million souls – shouldn’t the storming of abortion clinics be considered by you to be just as much a moral imperative as doing whatever was in one’s means to shut down the Nazi ovens?

Could it possibly be that you don’t really believe abortion is the “worst kind of murder”? Could it possibly be that you are employing exaggerated rhetoric to make a point; in fact, are so inured to the use of such rhetoric that you have long since forgotten its logical implications (if you ever considered them at all)?

Let’s be very clear here. Abortion as legally allowed in the U.S. is not murder. Let alone the “worst kind”, as all but the most extreme abortion opponents concede. Gonzalez – and all other abortion opponents but actual clinic bombers – concede this whether they know it or not when they call for fighting abortion within the constraints of the rule of law … rather than with any and all means, as they presumably would if Jews were being burned in ovens on our soil.

So abortion, for the vast majority of its opponents, boils down to something they just don’t like very much. Not a crime against humanity that they are willing to go to the mat to end with whatever means it takes. In that sense, abortion is easily fit into a list of other freedoms enshrined in the West that Gonzalez doesn’t like: “perversions of sexuality (including pornography, loose sexuality, and homosexuality) and the growing divorce rate.”

Why does Gonzalez dislike these things? Who knows? Perhaps they make him feel uncomfortable. Perhaps control of our own reproduction and sexuality offends his sense of who or what should really be controlling those things.

Meanwhile, if Gonzalez truly wants to reduce the number abortions in the United States, we suggest that his efforts would be better directed at increasing access to health care, contraception and education, and reducing poverty in this country.


Thursday, March 02, 2006


Is early-onset dementia hereditary?

If so, it looks like it's regressive as well. How else to explain 28-year-old "Reagan's Child" Francisco Gonzalez? A self-declared "Defender of Freedom and Virtue" (double snort), Gonzalez is a big-time anti-choice zealot, posting this on his blog:
Perhaps the nomination and confirmation of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court is just one step towards restoration of a terrible crime which has led to the deaths of over 40 million innocent children, ripped from their mother's wombs in the ultimate act of murder. As Mother Teresa of Calcutta told us, "The greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion."
Leave aside the fact that Mother Teresa was a well-meaning but confused shit-for-brains medievalist, which diagnosis has been ably recorded by Christopher Hitchens in the last true thought he ever expressed. What interests us is the force with which Gonzalez condemns abortion as murder - indeed, "the ultimate act of murder."

Not too surprisingly, Gonzalez also happens to be all for the War on Terror, as this fanboy review of his trip to the CRAP ... er, CPAC gathering attests, as you will see if you click and manage to get through the "golly, there was lots of famous people there" farmboy-isms and implausible predictions of a Newt Gingrich presidency.

Cutting to the chase, we just had to see how Gonzalez would react to someone taking him at his word that 40 million souls have been brutally murdered in the United States ... so we posted this comment:
40 million murders! That's astonishing ... probably the single biggest mass genocide ever. You know, these murders are still going on, daily.

And did you know, abortion is illegal in Islamic countries. In fact, over the past century, Muslims have murdered 3.5 million in genocides and atrocities, which, granted, is a lot. But that's nowhere near the 40 MILLION murdered by us in the abortion genocide (in addition to the tens of millions more in other genocides over the past century by Christians).

Doesn't it seem like the Muslims should be invading our countries, to put a stop to our abortion genocide? Will you be advocating that in the future?
We shall see how (or if) he reacts. While we wait, please enjoy the Defender of Freedom and Virtue's Christmas message to his friends and family. We imagine many of them are still giggling about it to this day ... if nothing else, a gift that keeps on giving.


I'm on pace to pass Adorable Girlfriend by the All-Star break

I now have 225 profile views, placing me 5,089,972nd on the all-time list. Next in my sights is Adorable Girlfriend, with 838 profile views. I expect to pass AG by mid-July unless my hammy starts acting up again. I am all-too aware of the media circus that will surround the chase.

Also, adjusting for steroid-era inflation of statistics, I actually have 229 profile views.


Mike DeNunzio, looking out for the troops

Mike "Maybe-I-Shouldn't-Have-Ordered-100,000-'SF-Hearts-Bush'-Campaign-Buttons-After-All" DeNunzio has another astroturfer on the Chron's LTE page today:
Pelosi's dodge

Editor - The American military is at war. The failure of Rep. Nancy Pelosi to denounce the [S.F. Supes' admittedly kind of pointless] resolution calling for impeachment of President Bush undermines the morale of the military. It demonstrates further that the Democratic Party cannot be trusted to support the troops, or to defend America.

MIKE DeNUNZIO, chairman
San Francisco Republican Party

I wan't personally aware that such things undermined troop morale, but then I talked to some of our soldiers in Iraq, and they were all, "We used to be totally gung-ho about seeing our enemies driven before us and hearing the lamentations of the women, but then we found out that Nancy Pelosi didn't denounce some meaningless gesture against our beserker war chief, and now we all want to frag our officers."

Who knew? Meanwhile, since Jack Murtha degraded them late last year, treasonous night discharge amongst the troops is up by 72 percent.

P.S. Style geeks will note that I have switched over from the more-trouble-than-its-worth headline caps format to the all-lower-caps thing. Also, I really, really want someone to make a Naked Beserker Rage Jonah Goldberg doll with battle axe and blue body paint accessories. Can someone at Mattel please make this happen?


Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Conspiracy? Media? Barry? Tinfoil Hat for You!

So I picked up the Street & Smith's baseball preview specrackular, 'cos that's the type of tosspot I am, and it's basically a glossy, 200-page mash note to Barry Bonds haters.

The publisher, one Mike Kallay, kicks things off by hatin' on the man for a solid 700 words, talking about how Bonds better not get elected to the Hall of Fame 'cos while he hasn't ever been caught 'roiding, he sure has a big head, and, you know, Ty Cobb was a racist cracker who nearly beat a man to death, but Barry sure is cranky around the press sometimes and he's "brought shame on himself and the game, and made a mockery of some of its most cherished records."

Because the records set during Jim Crow baseball are the ones we ought to put on a pedestal, not to mention all those hits guys collected back when infielders wrapped a piece of shoe leather around their hand for a glove and the triple alleys ended in a different zip code.

The centerpiece in the Street & Smith's, after some jazz about up-and-comers and some Baseball World Series flagporn (they actually crop Mike Piazza in the shape of Italy), is another Bonds finger-wagger. This time with fake statistics. Basically, in a hit piece called "Power Supply", the mag rigs some numbers, called "steroid-era-adjusted", to make it out so Babe Ruth gets 1,132 homers and Bonds drops from third all-time and six behind the Babe to seventh and 373 behind Ruth. (The funny thing is Bonds actually gains with the dead-white-guys-are-falling-behind-era-adjusted number-crunching, going from 708 HRs to 759.)

This is such a load of crap it isn't even funny, except that it is, in much the same way a Doughy Pantload column is "funny" in that "ha-ha, look at the dumbass keyboard kommando trying to be all, 'I'm a deadly serious hardliner on Iran but with a silly side that involves Alec Baldwin jokes and Star Trek' ... hey, wait a minute, we just bombed where?" kind of way.

Whatever. I'll leave it to Rob Neyer and John J. Perricone to destroy the pseudo-science behind "Power Supply" and try not to act too surprised when the greatest, most fear-inspiring hitter I've ever seen gets blackballed out of the Hall of Fame.

Shit, he's even willing to put on a dress for our amusement ... how can you not love him?


Fact vs. Fiction

You know, if we’re going to view world events as an existential Clash of Religions, we may as well get some perspective. First, here are the facts:


Some 160 million people have died in
wars and genocides during the 20th and 21st centuries. Breaking those numbers down through the lens of religion:

(KEY – E-C: European-Christian; A-B: Asian-Buddhist/Taoist/Shinto; ISL: Islamic; J: Jewish; H: Hindu; O: Other/Indeterminate)

Deaths in 20th/21st-century wars by religious affiliation of warring parties

Deaths in worst 20th/21st-century genocides by religious affiliation of killers and victims

Wars involving European-Christians and Asian Buddhists (incl. WWII) have killed 154.8 million people in the past century. Wars involving Muslims (incl. WWII) have killed 25.6 million people in the past century.

Major genocides & atrocities committed by European-Christians and Asian Buddhists have killed 84.0 million people in the past century. Major genocides & atrocities committed by Muslims have killed 3.5 million people in the past century.

More facts:

More than 100 in 22 Islamic nations

Zero in the U.S. maintained by any of the 50 majority Muslim countries

US$437.111 billion

US$60 billion

10,000+ total warheads (max. range: intercontinental)

Pakistan: 150? (max range: 1500 km? 2300 km?); all others: Zero

US$12.4 trillion

US$4.3 trillion



So those are the facts. Next, some creative interpretation of these facts:


Tony Blankley, Washington Times editor: “The threat of the radical Islamists taking over Europe is every bit as great to the United States as was the threat of the Nazis taking over Europe in the 1940s. … It is beginning to dawn on Europeans that the combination of a shrinking ethnic-European population and an expanding, culturally assertive Muslim population might lead to the fall of Western civilization in Europe within a century. … [T]he overwhelming political fact deriving from the ferment in Islam is that, to some degree, some percentage of Muslims are prepared to murder - and are murdering - great numbers in what they feel is their religious duty.”

Charles Krauthammer, syndicated columnist: “Here we are at the crux of a debate over America's aggressive interventionism of the last few years. Is Islamic radicalism in potential alliance with WMD-bearing terrorist states a threat to the very existence (hence: ‘existential’) of America and of civilization itself? … On Sept. 12, 2001, and for many months afterward, that proposition was so self-evident that it commanded near unanimous support. … The new idea, expressed by Blix representing the decadent European left, and recently amplified by Michael Moore representing the paranoid American left, is that this existential threat is vastly overblown. … It is a new world and exceedingly dangerous. Everything is at stake.”

Members of the Committee on the Present Danger:

Senator Joseph Lieberman: “The threat from Islamist terrorism is the challenge of our generation, just as fascism and communism were the challenges past generations of Americans faced.”

R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence, 1993–1995: “We are fighting the Long War of the 21st century, having been targeted by several totalitarian movements rooted in the Middle East. We cannot opt out, and we must not fail.”

Morris J. Amitay, Board Member, Center for Security Policy: “The struggle against the Islamofascist terrorists and their enablers must be our nation’s number one priority. America’s other challenges pale by comparison.”

Ilan Berman, Vice President for Policy, American Foreign Policy Council: “The fight against terrorism is the defining struggle of the 21st century. It is a conflict that will take many forms, and be waged on many fronts. But success is imperative; at stake is nothing less than our way of life.”

William E. Brock, Former U.S. Senator and Secretary of Labor: “The threats faced by this nation are of unique magnitude and complexity. We have much to do to safeguard our families and freedom.”

Peter Brookes, Director, Asian Studies Center, The Heritage Foundation: “The scourge of terrorism is an unprecedented challenge to international peace and stability that must be defeated through a proactive strategy of resolve and international cooperation.”

Henry Cooper, Director, Strategic Defense Initiative, 1990–93: “Terrorism poses as potent a threat to our freedom as did communism – preserving our liberty while winning the war on terrorism may be more difficult than was ending the ‘evil empire.’ ”

Candace de Russy, Ph.D., Hudson Institute Adjunct Fellow: “The struggle to defend ourselves and civilization against diabolical and cunning Islamofascists has only just begun. Failure to muster the strength and willpower to stay the course would result in no less than another Dark Age.”

Rachel Ehrenfeld, Director, American Center for Democracy: “Losing the War on Terrorism is not an option for the U.S.; It is time for Americans to recognize that the War on Terrorism is a war to defend the lives of each and every one of us, as well as our Western civilization.”

John Fonte, Director, Center for American Common Culture: “In many ways, the current war against militant Islamic terrorism resembles the cold war. Once again, we are engaged in a long twilight struggle against an ideological enemy that threatens our way of life both at home and abroad. And once again, there are elites in the West who do not (or will not) recognize the nature of this threat.”

Jeffrey Gayner, Chairman, Council for America: “In an era of increasingly accessible weapons of mass destruction and instantaneous global communication of propaganda, the time frame for dealing decisively with terrorists movements must be on an accelerated scale that is without precedent in confronting the previous totalitarian threats of fascism and communism.”

Victor Davis Hanson, Senior Fellow, The Hoover Institution: “We are in an insidious war against enemies whose unconventional tactics, stealthy nature, and astute knowledge of Western politics make them every bit as dangerous as a Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, or Stalin - none of whose forces were able to murder 3,000 Americans and bomb downtown New York or Washington. In such a war for survival, there can be no parley, no pause, and no half-measures with the Islamofascists and their patrons, but only continued resistance and offense until their we see their utter defeat.”

John G. Kester, Former Special Assistant to the Secretary of Defense: “The threat from enemies using terrorism is as serious as any our country has ever faced, and it cannot be ended without our active efforts and long-sustained resolve.”

Barton W. Marcois, Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary for Policy and International Affairs, U.S. Department of Energy, 2002-03: “The danger from international terrorism today is as great as the danger a generation ago from international communism.”

Dana M. Marshall, Former Senior Advisor on International Economic Affairs to the Vice President of the United States: “The danger is more than to American national security – it is to our survival.”

Edwin Meese III, U.S. Attorney General, 1985–88: “Asymmetrical warfare waged by terrorists presents the greatest threat to the U.S. homeland in nearly two centuries.”

Kamal Nawash, President, Free Muslim Coalition Against Terrorism: “Religious inspired terrorism represents one of the most lethal threats to the stability of the civilized world.”

Daniel Pipes, Director, Middle East Forum: “Only when the Islamist ideological roots of the current war are acknowledged can we successfully wage and win the war.”

Danielle Pletka, Vice President, Foreign and Defense Policy Studies, American Enterprise Institute: “Enemies of the United States are engaged in an existential war against the very principles underlying our republic.”

Norman Podhoretz, Former Editor, Commentary: “Unless we prevail in the war against terrorism, we will remain exposed to the greatest threat this country has ever faced in its entire history.”

Samantha F. Ravich, Vice President for Proliferation Studies, The Long Term Strategy Project: “If 9/11 taught us anything, it taught us that Jihadis are willing to come onto our soil and into our homes to kill our children. This should not have surprised us because they have been terrorizing their own people, on their own soil, in their own homes for decades. This may be a long war but we have no choice other than to fight it and to win it. Nothing less than life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are at stake.”

Stephen J. Solarz, Member, U.S. House of Representatives, 1975–93: “What is at stake in the war against terrorism is the survival of our civilization and our most cherished values.”

William Van Cleave, Director, Center for Defense and Strategic Studies: “Islamic terrorism is an unconditional and existential threat not only to America and Israel, but also to Judeo-Christian culture.”

Jose Maria Aznar, Former Prime Minister of Spain: “Containment is not feasible, and appeasement is not only impossible, but suicidal in the medium term.”

David Pryce-Jones, Senior editor, National Review: “We have to defeat terrorists and the terror-masters everywhere. Anything less than outright victory means taking a gamble with freedom and civilisation itself.”


General Note: Figures for both Wars & Genocides sections cover major events & simplify complex religious demographics for the sake of the broader view of history. For example, Asian-Buddhists under Pol Pot murdered several thousand Cambodian Muslims, but that is not factored into the Khmer Rouge genocide figures. Also, figures for the Wars section include massacres, genocides and overall civilian deaths as well as battle deaths, with the exception of World War II (see note below). Meanwhile, no attempt was made to assign blame for deaths in the Wars section (the Genocides section is another matter, of course). Thus, aggression by Italy in Ethiopia is simply counted in the E-C vs. O totals, which is probably unfair to the Ethiopians, but that's just how it is due to time constraints on the part of the author. Finally, Armenians and East Timorese were designated European-Christians for the purposes of this study.

World War I: 7.45 million E-C vs. E-C deaths; 550,000 E-C vs. ISL deaths (added to respective totals)

World War II: Some 55 million people died in World War II, including some 5.8 million Muslims. Rather than try to separate out which religious group killed which religious group in this bloody conflict, we will simply note that it was started by European-Christians and Asian-Buddhists, who – along with some 6-8 million Jews – make up the overwhelming bulk of the casualties. Asian-Buddhist Japan, for instance, is generally considered to be responsible for 15-20 million Asian-Buddhist deaths in World War II, as well as millions more European-Christian deaths.

Other/Indeterminate: Wars/Genocides involving (mostly) African countries/parties with no clear religious majority, incl. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Animist, Jewish, Sikh etc.


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