Monday, February 06, 2006


Somewhere, Jack Chick is Cursing Fate for Not Making Him Danish

At some point, you know, you will have to go check out the actual cartoons. I won’t tell you where to find them here … I have it on credible medical authority that even just linking to them makes you dumber. I suggest googling “the stupidest shit ever … I mean we’re talking like Tulipmania plus Warren G. Harding times the Hamster Dance stupid” … or something to that effect.

Also, if you do go looking for the cartoons, you’ll need to have a Ziggy or a Family Circus anthology on hand, for a reassurring jolt of intellectualism after you’re done looking at them.

Okay, so it’s what, Day 6 of this Cartoon War now? Can we safely say the whole thing is solidly in syndication? Has Jessica Lynch battled her way out of a burning Danish embassy yet? I mean, isn’t it nice to know that, whatever bills might be due, whatever trouble the kids might have got into, that each morning the newspaper’s going to turn up on the front porch with your daily dose of that crazy Muhammad’s fiery antics? What WILL he do next?

(But seriously, this strip needs a name. Suggestion: Marmaprophet. And Marmaprophet’s always too big and clumsy to fit in the car. Oh, that Marmaprophet!)

Actually, you don’t have to get the newspaper to get an update on the Cartoon War. We’ve got these things called the internets now and they’re totally changing the way the world exchanges information because everybody can now access the internets and participate in the newsgathering process (except for the billions of people who can’t).

On one of these internets, Michelle Malkin(s) informs us, some ass called “sbrant” has a blog called Face-of-Muhammed that is basically a map of the world, with colors that show where all the countries stand in the free-speech defining Cartoon War. (Hint: Mordor is for suppressing free speech.) As much as I’d like to say this clown subscribes to a Manichean worldview, I can’t. He uses four colors, actually, and none of them are even black or white.

But here’s where it gets interesting. In green are the countries that are “Defenders of Free Speech” (Yay! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!); in gray are the countries that are “Neutral/Dhimmi (Boo! … but more on this later); in bright red the countries that have had “Violence/Boycotts” (Double Boo!); and in dark red are the countries that have committed “Acts of war” (Triple Super Raspberry Bananas Boo! … but also, huh? Like, the countries themselves have committed acts of war? Or is it really more like some assholes in these countries have gathered in mobs and committed criminal acts against foreign targets? It’s kind of more like that, isn’t it? Strictly off the record?)

This is how the color-coding works. If some newspaper in some country published the Danish cartoons, in solidarity with Denmark or for whatever reason, that country gets to be green and declared a “Defender of the Faith” … er, “Defender of Free Speech”. But if no newspaper in a country (that also isn’t boycotting any green countries or rioting) has published the cartoons, then that country is gray, and declared “Neutral/Dhimmi”.

Because apparently “Free Speech” doesn’t include a right to not publish cartoons some find offensive. Which happens to be why wingnuts are demanding that Ted Rall be syndicated in every newspaper in America. But I digress.

“Dhimmi” – used in this context – is eliminationist shorthand for “chastened subservience to Muslim rule.” It may come as a surprise to, say, the people of Trinidad and Tobago, that they are considered “Dhimmi” by insane cartographers with blogs. (The use of the word on the map is also a huge hint - to readers who already know this stuff - that my analysis is unlikely to tell you anything about Face-of-Muhammed that you hadn’t already figured out many paragraphs ago.)

Odd too is the lumping of “Violence” with “Boycotts” in the color-coding of the map. Is he saying boycotts are offenses against free speech? Doesn’t free speech entail both a right to voice an opinion AND a right to voice opposition to that opinion? I’m confused.

Finally, there are the comments under the map. This is where cretins get to make suggestions for updating the status of countries. Like early on in the thread, where a worried “Steve” asks: “Come on - you're not actually calling Canada ‘neutral/dhimmi’ are you? That's just silly - I think you could safely add Canada to the ‘defenders of free speech’ category...”

To which “sbrant” replies: “Someone told me that Canada is also a Defender. Then my question is: What have you done for us lately? I was not aware of any publications of the cartoons. Please provide a URL or just some info. Thanks.”

Talk about your high-stakes litmus tests! Forget our longstanding friendship, forget the Grand Alliance … WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU STAND ON THE CARTOONS!?!?

And folks, that’s about all I can stand to write about this topic. ’Night.

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