Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Keyboard Kommandos Are Go: Special Speech Balloon Unit

It’s never been a better time to wank. Let’s review how we got here.

You are a Keyboard Kommando, and just a week ago, things were looking pretty grim. An increasing number of people were skeptical of the Iraq War, a war you sold your soul to make happen. Your Dear Leader, beset by a mushrooming of scandals, was looking less like Winston Churchill and more like Richard Nixon with each passing day. And worst of all, people were teasing you and making you cry.

But then, like a shot out of the blue, your prayers were answered. A situation arose last week that was so insane – indeed, so batshit nutso - it could only mean we had crossed over from reality into the fevered imagination of Charles Johnson. Soon all the dhimmis everywhere came to see that only you could lead them against the existential threat posed by Islam.

Like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of Wankery, this situation improbably mixed together two of the wingnutosphere’s favorite things … all-encompassing war and offensive, unfunny cartoons. Thus the Cartoon War was born, and Lo! You discovered that two great things can taste great together.

In your euphoria you sometimes wonder if the taste-tingling goodness of the Cartoon War could be even better with the addition of even more of your favorite ingredients. But then you quietly warn yourself not to get too greedy – as appealing as the sound of a “Cartoon Cheetos Fisking Magic: The Gathering ROTFLMAO Bring-Me-My-Motherfucking-Chocolate-Milk! War” may be.

For now, you’re content to stoically man your post on this new, asymmetrical battlefield. Secure that today, none dare call you “chickenhawk” … because it is patently your bandwidth on the line as you bravely hurl cartoons at the enemy in freedom’s name, no matter the cost to your inbox.

There will be many hard tasks and many grave risks for you to confront in the days ahead. “WAR IS HTML,” as the saying goes. But you will not falter. You will continue to map the enemy’s location, in an effort to devise a speech balloon movement to dialog box him in and cut off his retreat. You will continue to spot process the stuffing out of your foes whether at home or abroad. And you will expend whatever it costs in art supplies and construction paper to defeat him.

And you will defeat him. Semper Fi, brave prince!

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