Saturday, January 28, 2006

 

Instachucknorris


I said two days ago that I’d tackle the scurrilous attack on Glenn Reynolds by The Poorman in his (its?) mostly fine analysis of the Washington Post's recent star-studded panel on “Interactivity Ethics.” I say mostly fine, because one other thing sorely lacking from The Editors’ coverage was even an attempt at a moronic accusation hurled at Jane Hamsher.

In his statements on the panel, Reynolds himself was far too modest about his accomplishments, which include inventing the weblog, writing the definitive monograph on Hephthalite Hun culture, translating the Phaistos Disk into slashcode and developing a nanovirus that, when injected into the frontal lobe will alert the subject whenever “Lileks has more.” All of this was done, of course, as an afterthought in a few spare moments by a man who has far more important things to occupy his time.

So rather than rebut The Editors’ (Editoria? Editorii?) argument point-by-point, I’ll just let the facts about Glenn Reynolds, the renowned Instapundit, do the talking:

FACT: Glenn Reynolds’ Instapundit blog DOES have comments enabled. It’s just that his comment-ometer flips back to zero when the number of comments on a post reach 1 billion, so you can never see them. The Instapundit hopes to address this problem soon.

FACT: The Instapundit is in the final stages of talks with Dhaka to hire the entire population of Bangladesh to moderate his comments threads. He considers that to be a stop-gap solution and plans to build an army of thread-moderating nanobots for the long term. On the majority of alternate timelines in parallel universes, he already did this three days ago.

FACT: The Instapundit is known to be fearful of ridiculous lawsuits. Wait, did I say “fearful”? I meant “destroyful”.

FACT: Instapundit.com has more Japanese readers than the Yomiuri Shinbun. The Instapundit receives more emails written in Esperanto in one minute than the Rocky Mountain News receives written in English in a year.

FACT: An “Instalanche”
is the only man-made object that can be seen from space.

FACT: One time, The Poorman was giving the Instapundit shit. The Instapundit merely posted “Lileks has more” and The Poorman’s head exploded on the spot.

FACT: The Instapundit’s first post ever was “Cerf has more.”

FACT: The Instapundit once linked to another blog so hard that it drilled a “Lileks has more”-shaped hole right through that blog and out the other end, then continued on through to the core of the earth and out through Bruce Lee’s house in China, killing everyone present, and finally the link headed into outer space, drilling holes into everything it meets to this day, including black holes and God. Also, that is the real story of how Bruce Lee died.

FACT: Instapundit.com’s backup server is the Death Star.

FACT: The Instapundit is a quadruple blackbelt in Brazilian HTML. He has won all of his fights by submission.

FACT: The GNP of an Instapundit post is America + China + infinity.

FACT: One day the Instapundit linked to the stock market. Today we know that day as “The Great Depression.”

FACT: One day the Instapundit was bored, so he linked to himself. That day is known by scientists as the “Big Bang.”

FACT: Once, the Instapundit created a mirror site of Instapundit.com, just so he could beat it to death with a steady barrage of “Lileks has more” links. Because nobody gets to fuck with the Instapundit except the Instapundit. Later, he puked a nanovirus on the corpse of the mirror site to get rid of the evidence.

FACT: The Instapundit doesn’t have sweat glands. He outsources sweating to nanobots.

FACT: One day, Instapundit.com got so much site traffic that even the Instapundit was worried. UPDATE I: No, he wasn’t. UPDATE II: You were.

FACT: The Instapundit has determined that the Left Blogosphere is objectively anti-“Lileks has more.” A nanobot army is being deployed as we speak.





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