Thursday, January 19, 2006

 

How This Blog Will Work

The short answer: Splendidly.

The somewhat longer answer: It will work as a group blog featuring the voices of several conservative thinkers, including GastroGuy269, William G. Henders, Dr. George Jefferson Monroe and Steve Garvey.

While I, the AssParrot, have carried the water for our humble team of first-rate intellects in these first few days of ParrotLine, with the rest of the platoon providing invaluable behind-the-scenes logistical support, today I will hand over the lead reins to my colleague GastroGuy269, whose brilliant skill at skewering leftist moonbattery has been compared by no less a personage than his own editor and gastric bypass surgeon Dr. Fäghor Dögfaagge as, "Secnond to NOnE^.'"¹

But first a quick note on Dr. Monroe. While the rest of the co-authors of this blog will post regularly from their own remote locations, unfortunately Dr. Monroe will not be able to do likewise. This, because his consulting duties for the highest authorities in the Pentagon require him to maintain at his estate a digital communications infrastructure of such cutting-edge sophistication that any attempt by him to interface with the relatively Stone Age technology of the Luddites at Blogger.com would, unfortunately, result in a temporal feedback loop causing Andrew Sullivan to bounce between pro- and anti-Bush positions² (and other such paradoxes). Or so the initial data from our test run of the system early last year would indicate.

Fortunately, in the weeks leading to the live launch of ParrotLine, associates of Dr. Monroe were able to successfully inject into my own buttocks region a smart nano-virus developed by
Tech Central Station engineers in consultation with Glenn Reynolds. This nano-virus is composed of rapidly decaying elemental half-particles that each have their twin in a sister virus implanted in Dr. Monroe's frontal lobe. Thus, Dr. Monroe need only visualize the words he wishes to post on ParrotLine, and the resulting electrical signals in his frontal lobe are interpreted by his nano-virus to arrange its half particles into the shapes of those words. Instantaneously - and across theoretically any distance of space to the brink of infinity - the formation of words by Dr. Monroe's nano-virus triggers their twins in my buttocks to coalesce into those very same words. This sets off a physical reaction in my own body that causes me to bleed profusely from my rectum. When this happens, I merely need place some butcher paper under my hemorrhaging anus to catch the discharge. At this stage, another set of algorithms kicks in to arrange the discharged half-particles back into the shape of Dr. Monroe's original words, while the weight and liquidity of my own blood accompanying the half-particles soaks into the paper, forming full, grammatical sentences and paragraphs visible to the human eye. Finally, I am able to simply type up the finished version of Dr. Monroe's post that appears on the butcher paper, whereupon I post it on ParrotLine using my ID but indicating in a preface that it is a contribution from Dr. Monroe.

With that lengthy but necessary explanation out of the way, I humbly pass the ParrotLine torch on this fine Thursday morning to GastroGuy269. Take it away, friend!

¹Quote taken from inside dust jacket of "FrEEPER aint FREE: The TusCAny Yeres;'" by GastroGuy269, ReGenrey PubIlcation'S

²For reasons arising from a probability function we don't yet fully understand, any "dumb" object A (Sully-0) will be ejected from the temporal feedback loop at time B (t-b) after roughly 1,300 trips from t-a to t-b and back again. Thus, (t-a↔t-b≈1300).





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